Episode 1.3
originally broadcast October 3, 1970
Written by John D.F. Black
Directed by Jay Sandrich
Storyline: Lars comes down with a body rash, and Mary agrees to babysit Bess for a few days. Bess doesn't really care much for Mary...and never has. Phyllis decides that this would be a good opportunity for Bess to get to know Mary better, and also to find out that "life is no bed of roses." Phyllis turns over her child raising books (which Bess has also read) to Mary. Mary and Bess go shopping in an outdoor mall, and live it up for a few days. When Phyllis comes to collect Bess, she doesn't want to go home. Not being one to discourage her child's independence, she lets Bess stay awhile longer...and Mary has to ask Phyllis to babysit that evening while she goes on a date. The next evening, Bess goes to the store to get some TV dinners and while she's out, Phyllis drops by. Mary confronts Phyllis and tells her that Bess would probably come home if she knew she was needed by her mother. After a good sob, Phyllis agrees, and Bess does go home. Then Mary, Rhoda, Phyllis, and Bess all go to a movie.
Memorable Quotations/Exchanges:
TED: A lady in Philadelphia lost her dog. She went to the pound and found it! When she got home, she discovered she had the wrong dog. The woman who couldn't tell one dog from the other was...a vegetarian!
MURRAY: Veterinarian!!!
LOU: Go see the new John Wayne picture.
MARY: Is it good?
LOU: They're all good. I never miss a one.
TED: Why is that, Lou? Do you identify with John Wayne?
LOU: Yeah, that's it!
TED: You wanna see a good movie, Mary? See "Son of Flubber". You can't go wrong with a Disney movie. You know what my favorite movie is?
MURRAY: "Snow White"?
TED: Right! Can anyone name all seven dwarfs? I know I can. Lou, how 'bout you?
MURRAY: Lou, you wanna grab a hamburger?
LOU: No, I don't eat meat. I'm a veterinarian.
PHYLLIS: Something's come up and I was wondering if you could take care of Bess for a few days.
MARY: What's wrong?
PHYLLIS: Well, it's Lars. He's contracted a case of varicella from one of his patients.
MARY: What's that?
RHODA: (looks the word up in dictionary) Chicken pox! That's what that quack's got, chicken pox!
PHYLLIS: (grabbing the dictionary) I really wouldn't ask if it weren't an emergency, Mary.
RHODA: Plain, old, mundane chicken pox! A kid's disease!!
MARY: Phyllis, are you sure about this? You know, Bess isn't exactly crazy about me.
PHYLLIS: Mary, it's time Bess found out that life is no bed of roses!
PHYLLIS: These are the books on creative childrearing. Some people find it amusing that I insist on raising Bess by these, but the men and women who wrote them are experts, and the people aren't. Besides, Bess thinks these books show a lot of insight.
MARY: Bess has read these?
PHYLLIS: Does that surprise you?
MARY: Yeah, well, she's just a little girl.
PHYLLIS: "Just a little girl?" Chapter six...a woman who tells a child she's "just a little girl" is clearly showing her ignorance.
MARY: Well, what do I know?
PHYLLIS: I think I ought to prepare you for something.
MARY: What?
PHYLLIS: It's just something she does when she's angry. I usually ignore it and I hope you will, too. knock at the door Mother's coming, Bess!
MARY: No, mother is not coming until mother tells Mary what it is that Bess does.
PHYLLIS: She wears my wig and makeup.
PHYLLIS: Mary will be doing the very best she can, Bess, and we can't expect too much of her. Remember, mother and father love their Bess and Mary...likes her.
MARY: (feeling awkward) Well, here we are. Have you had dinner yet?
BESS: Yes, Phyllis burned it.
MARY: Oh, I'm sorry.
BESS: Why? You didn't burn it.
MARY: Well, no, but when you try to fix it and it doesn't turn out right, it's kinda disappointing.
BESS: It doesn't bother Phyllis.
MARY: Uh, do you always call your mother Phyllis?
BESS: It's her name!
MARY: Yeah, I know, but when I was a young person, I always used to call my mother 'Mother'. I still do. I don't even think to call her...(she momentarily forgets the name) Marge! That's it...it's Marge!
BESS: Did Phyllis show you the books?
MARY: I haven't had a chance to get into them yet.
BESS: Well, I think you ought to. This isn't going particularly well so far, you know.
MARY: Do you like having all that makeup on your face?
BESS: Yes, don't you?
MARY: I think it makes you look awful.
(Bess runs off and locks herself in the bathroom.)
MARY: Bess, uh, what are you doing?
PHYLLIS: (Carrying a large teapot) I forgot to bring this earlier...it's Bess's. She likes her milk in it. How's everything going so far?
MARY: Oh, okay.
PHYLLIS: Don't answer, don't answer, I know everything's going great. Where is she?
MARY: She's, uh....
PHYLLIS: (delighted) Locked herself in the bathroom, huh?!
MARY: Uh, yes.
PHYLLIS: You said something without looking it up in the book first...is that right?
MARY: Well, yes.
PHYLLIS: What'd ya say?
MARY: Well, I told her the makeup looked awful.
PHYLLIS: And now you're trying to get her outa there?
MARY: Yes! Phyllis, could you help me, please??!!
PHYLLIS: Of course I'll help you! (opening one of the books) Chapter eight. (she exits)
MARY: Bess, I respect your right to privacy and I don't mind your locking the door. And I am always eager to participate in a free and open discussion of whatever it is you have to say...
BESS: You might have to burn the washcloth. It's got gunk all over it. Those quotes are right from the books, aren't they?
MARY: Yeah, they are. Listen, why don't we forget the books and talk about what fun we're gonna have tomorrow. I'm not working and you and I can go shopping!
BESS: What for?
MARY: Nothing! You don't have to buy anything when you shop...and that's kinda nice because if you're not gonna buy anything, you don't have to wonder whether or not you can afford it!
1. Shot of Mary and Bess riding up escalator. Mary animated; Bess not interested.
2. Long shot of Mary and Bess from underneath staircase.
3. Mary looking in window at dresses, Bess is not interested.
4. Bess finds a doll in window...looks like she asks Mary to buy it, but Mary says it's too expensive. Bess loses interest again.
5. They go into ice cream store and get ice cream cones, then walk out with them. Bess' spirits rise slowly.
6. Mary stands in open space calling out for Bess...she can't find her. Bess hides behind planter, then pokes her head up saying, "Hi, Mary!"
7. Mary disappears behind a wall...Bess looks around frantically for her. Suddenly Mary emerges with "Hi, Bess!"
8. They both run over to large circular planter and sit down, exhausted.
9. Fade in and music slows down as Bess picks a small yellow flower and gives it to Mary, who accepts it...they smile and hug.
10. Final shot: Mary and Bess walk across long, arched bridge holding hands. They're friends now.
PHYLLIS: Good morning, all! Everything is beautiful! Lars was in error when he thought he had varicella.
RHODA: Chicken pox!!
PHYLLIS: All he had was rusa versuluvia.
RHODA: Translation please?
PHYLLIS: Poison oak.
BESS: Hi, Phyllis!
PHYLLIS: Get your things, dear! Mother's here to take you home!
BESS: I don't wanna go home.
PHYLLIS: What?
BESS: I don't wanna go home.
MARY: Oh, Phyllis. As soon as you get her home, she'll be just fine.
PHYLLIS: (with caution, as if to a caged animal) Oh, no, no, I wouldn't force her, Mary. We encourage her independence. If this is where she wants to be...this IS where you want to be, is it, Bess? (Bess nods)
MARY: Yeah, but Phyllis!!
PHYLLIS: No, no, Mary, you don't understand. If Bess WANTS this...(she crosses to Bess) This IS what you want, Bess? (Bess nods) Well, it's obviously her wish to stay here. IS IT your wish to stay here, Bess? (Bess nods) Then this is where she'll stay.
MARY: Phyllis, I've got a date tonight. Could you babysit?
(Ted has just finished practicing reading off cue cards made up by Murray)
TED: Whatever happened to the good old days when they had wars in England?
MURRAY: You'd find a way to mispronounce London.
MARY: Ted, Mr. Grant asked me to remind you, it's Richard *Milhouse* Nixon, not Milhorse.
TED: I don't know why everyone feels so compelled to call cue cards idiot cards.
MURRAY: It's just that we have trouble thinking of you as a cue.
LOU: Mary, where are the idiot cards?
TED: Cue cards, Lou! Cue cards!
LOU: Excuse me, Ted. Mary, could you please give those cue cards to this idiot?
LOU: I don't like to watch my language. I don't like having kids in the newsroom. I'd like to cuss right now, because that kid's out there. But I can't cuss right now, because that kid's out there. Do I make myself clear?
MARY: Yes, I think so. You'd like to cuss, is that it?
LOU: Yes! Very much.
MARY: Then I'll get her outa there.
LOU: Good! I feel a cuss coming on. This is too good to wait. (to phone) Send Ted Baxter in here.
RHODA: Mary, I know you still have this thing to straighten out with Phyllis, but I need forty dollars to pay a fine.
MARY: A traffic fine?
RHODA: No, I fed a buffalo. You know I've always been a sucker for buffalos. You know those signs they have that say 'Don't Feed the Buffalos'? Well, I fed the buffalo. And they really fine you for that, if they catch you.
MARY: What'd you feed it?
RHODA: Lowfat prune yogurt. That buffalo's gonna have some nice figure. Can you spare the forty?
MARY: Yeah, I think so.
MARY: Phyllis, sit down. I was just going to call you to tell you that I think everything is getting crazy around here, and it's gonna get even crazier if you don't do something.
PHYLLIS: What's your problem, Mary?
MARY: It's not my problem, Phyllis, it's yours! Bess!
PHYLLIS: We've been all over that. It's just a phase Bess is going through.
MARY: I think Bess would want to come home if you'd just tell her you need her.
PHYLLIS: Why don't you just come right out and say it, Mary. You think I'm a lousy mother.
MARY: Well, I....I....
PHYLLIS: What are you trying to say?!
MARY: I'm trying to think of a nice way to say that I think you're a lousy mother!
PHYLLIS: Well, miss daughter snatcher, let me tell you something. I have read all the books, and I...(pause) What are you doing wearing my love beads?!!
MARY: Bess made them for me this morning.
PHYLLIS: (crying) Can you beat that! She made the same beads for you that she did for me. She loves you! She wants you to be her mother!
MARY: Oh, Phyllis! (Bess returns, and stands in doorway)
PHYLLIS: Bess! She saw me crying! She'll hate me for being so weak!
MARY: Phyllis, you and I have been friends for a long time. Well, not so good as you think. It's just that you come on so darned strong all the time, and I like you so much better when you come on weak! And if I feel this way, imagine how Bess must have felt when she saw you just now. I'm gonna go get her.
PHYLLIS: Should I keep crying?
MARY: Well, it wouldn't hurt!!
(Rhoda enters Mary's apartment unassumingly to find Phyllis on the couch)
RHODA: Phyllis, do you know where Mary left the check for me? I got fined for feeding a buffalo.
PHYLLIS: (Cries)
RHODA: There's no need to get that upset, it's all taken care of.
PHYLLIS: (Cries more)
RHODA: You're an incredibly sympathetic person, you know that?
PHYLLIS: (Cries even more)
RHODA: I think I'd better get outa here, I think I'm depressing you. If the police at the zoo were half as sympathetic as you, I wouldn't need the forty bucks! Mary, whatever you do, don't mention the buffalo.
MARY: Phyllis, Bess went home.
PHYLLIS: Home?
MARY: Home! I just talked to her. It was just so touching...she looked up at me and she said 'uh huh'.
PHYLLIS: She said 'Uh huh'? I...don't...know...what...that...means, Mary.
MARY: Well, you had to be there. She said 'uh huh' after I said, 'Bess, are you here because you know your mother needs you?'
PHYLLIS: And she said 'uh huh'?
MARY: Uh huh!
PHYLLIS: (handing Mary a jar of soup) Mary, this isn't much, but thank you. You're gonna make a wonderful mother.
MARY: I know.
Audio Files:
They're on their way!
Credits:
Associate Producer/Unit Production Manager: Lionel A. Ephraim
Music Composed and Conducted by Pat Williams
Theme Song "Love is All Around" Written and Sung by Sonny Curtis
Director of Photography: Paul Uhl
Film Editor: Douglas Hines, A.C.E.
Assistant Director: John C. Chulay
Art Director: Lewis E. Hurst, Jr.
Set Decorator: Raymond Boltz
Script Supervisor: Dorothy Aldworth
Title Visualization: Reza S. Badiyi
Assistant to Producers: Lorenzo Music
Camera Coordinator: Don Bustany
Music Editing: Ed Norton Music, Inc.
Makeup Artist: Ben Nye, II
Hair Stylist: Mary Keats
Men's Costumes: Don MacDonald
Women's Costumes: Leslie Hall
Wardrobe for Mary Tyler Moore Furnished by Evan-Picone
Men's Wardrobe Furnished by Palm Beach, Designed by John Weitz
Trivia: This is the episode with the famous outdoor sequence with Mary and Bess!
Rating: 73
Humor: 23
Writing: 15
Acting: 20
Story Concept: 15
Category: Top third
Comment: This is one of the best of the Cloris Leachman shows...her brilliantly funny acting made many an episode glimmer, and this is one of them. The crying jag she does at the end is absolutely classic. She asks Mary if she should keep crying when Mary goes to get Bess, and Mary says, "It wouldn't hurt!" Then, of course, Rhoda comes on the scene, unaware of the happenings, to collect her funds loaned from Mary (because she fed a buffalo in the zoo that afternoon!!) Casual examination of the WJM newsroom scenes reveals a much, much broader Lou, Ted, and Murray. Of the three characters, Murray would be the least changed...he was the wise-cracking needler of Ted Baxter, just as Morey Amsterdam's Buddy Sorrell was the thorn in Richard Deacon's Mel Cooley on Mary's previous "Dick Van Dyke" hit. However, unlike Buddy Sorrell, Murray would be fleshed out into a full-fledged character whose life we got to know quite well.
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