Episode 4.15
originally broadcast December 22, 1973
Written by David Lloyd
Directed by George "Buddy" Tyne
Storyline: Lou is closing in on fifty and today is his birthday. Mary can't stand the thought of the now-separated Lou celebrating his birthday all alone, so she arranges a surprise party for him. That evening, she invites Lou over for a drink and the doorbell rings just as he tells her how much he appreciated her not throwing an office party for him that afternoon. Gordy is at the door with an envelope...full of hats. Others are out in the hallway, too. Lou is furious and tries to get out using the back door...but there is no back door. Mary asks Lou's permission to invite Murray in. He enters, miffed at Lou's actions. Next Rhoda, and finally Ted, get to come in. Lou admits that he hates displays of affection...then reluctantly agrees to let the remainder of the guests in. While they all file in, he files out and down to MacKluskey's bar where....they throw a surprise party for him. Later he returns to Mary's place to apologize...evidently the guests opened his gifts (at Ted's urging) and they all blew out his candles. "You see, Mr. Grant?", Mary says, "Everybody really loves you." "I know....", snarls Lou.
Memorable Quotations/Exchanges:
(Lou exits, toting some envelopes that look like they might be greeting cards)
TED: Why is GORDY getting a raise?
MARY: Because Mr. Grant doesn't want to take any chance of losing him to another station.
TED: Why aren't I getting a raise? (Mary just stares out into space...the answer is obvious.) (Gordy enters) Oh, Gordy, I just recommended you for a raise.
GORDY: (with disinterest) Thanks, Ted.
TED: No need to thank me, the weather's been very good lately.
MARY: I need your signature on this, Mr. Grant.
LOU: Okay, Mary.
MARY: Mr. Grant, may I say something personal?
LOU: Yeah, I guess so.
MARY: (leaning over his desk, discreetly but cheerily) Happy birthday!
LOU: (surprised) You really lay it on the line, don't you? How'd you know?
MARY: Well, I saw the cards.
LOU: (holding one of the cards) Every year my mother sends me twenty five dollars
and tells me to go pick up something nice with it. I used to go and get myself a suit.
Nowadays I go out and get myself a steak.
MARY: Do you have any plans for your birthday?
LOU: (sarcastically) I don't plan things, Mary. I just like to be spontaneous.
I like to just let things happen. Call me madcap, but that's the way I am.
(Noonish, in the newsroom.)
RHODA: Mary, tell me again, WHY are you doing this?
MARY: Because he's lonely, Rhoda! I'm sure that's why he wouldn't tell anyone it was his birthday.
RHODA: So that everyone wouldn't get sentimental, make a fuss, and embarrass him?
MARY: Exactly.
RHODA: So you're gonna get sentimental, and make a fuss, and embarrass him?
MARY: Yes. No! I don't think I'm going to. Rhoda, I just can't stand the thought of him
celebrating his little birthday all alone. So, you gonna help me? Just, uh, stop off on your way home from work
(reading from list) and pick up some club soda, ginger ale, a large cake, about a gallon of ice cream...
(Lou walks in on their conversation. Rhoda sees him and tries to change the subject)
RHODA:...and I'll just have coffee.
(Mary makes a 'surprised' reaction. Sue Ann enters, gleefully)
SUE ANN: (patting Lou's waist) There you are, Lou! I caught you! Do you wear your sleeves rolled up because you know what wonderful arms you have?
LOU: (embarrassed) No, I just keep 'em up because I don't wanna get any stuff on 'em.
SUE ANN: (to Mary and Rhoda) I don't know about you, but I find shyness in a man irresistable.
(Sue Ann takes a huge string of scotch tape and removes the lint from Lou's sportjacket.)
LOU: (can't stand this) It's nice not to have any lint.
SUE ANN: So, where are you eating lunch?
LOU: (lying) Oh, no place fancy, just a joint I know of, run by an ex-mess sargent. I always go there on Fridays because the special is catfish and chili. Wanna tag along?
SUE ANN:(can't stand either food) Say, I'd love that...but I just remembered, I have to prepare tomorrow's show.
LOU: (relieved) C'mon Rhoda.
RHODA: Okay, but I'm on a diet. Do you think they have catfish and cottage cheese?(they exit)
SUE ANN: Isn't it funny how hypermasculine men feel threatened by very feminine women?
MARY: (with a 'Sue Ann is nuts' look) Uh, gee I hadn't noticed that...
SUE ANN: Well, I have. I threaten a lot of them.
MARY: (changing the subject) Sooo. How are things on the Happy Homemaker set?
SUE ANN: Oh, glorious! We're taping a special. So far today I've poached marrow, rendered lard, and coddled an egg.
MARY: (no interest here) Full life, isn't it, Sue Ann? Listen, I don't wanna keep you from anything...
SUE ANN: What are you gonna give Lou for his birthday?
MARY: (surprised) Uh, Sue Ann, how did you know it was his birthday?
SUE ANN: Ohhh, a little bird told me!
MARY: Did the 'little bird', by chance, have silver hair? (angry) And one foot in his beak?!!
SUE ANN: (has an idea) I think Lou's birthday calls for something...superspecial.
MARY: Well, I don't know how superspecial it's gonna be, but I am gonna give him a surprise party.
SUE ANN: Oh, terrific! You just get him to your place, and I'll do the rest. I promise you, Mary,
I can show you a thousand and one ways to turn any gathering into an affair.
MARY: I'll just...bet you can!
SUE ANN: I'll see you at your place at seven thirty. Right now I have to go stuff a duck.
MARY: I was just gonna suggest you do that.
(Newsroom, evening)
TED: So, how does it feel to be pushing fifty?
LOU: (grimace) I've got this...lump in my throat.
TED: Well, look on the bright side, Lou. These are the golden years. The twilight of a happy life...
LOU: I'll remember that.
TED: ...when the days dwindle down to a precious few...(singing) September, Octoooober....
LOU: I think I've been cheered up enough for one day.
TED: Lou, when you think about it, it's incredible. Two thirds of your life...shot! Just like that.
(a small brawl ensues, wherein Lou tries to get Ted out of the room).
(Edie stops in to give Lou his present.)
LOU: (VERY glad to see her) You didn't just happen by because you were in the neighborhood, did you?
EDIE: Of course not! I wanted to give you your present.
LOU: (flirtatiously) This is your husband you're talking to! C'mon, Edie, I know you!
EDIE: (embarrassed) Louuuuu!
LOU: You came in here to flirt, didn't you! (touches her)
EDIE: (embarrassed but loving this) I came here to give you your present!
LOU: I know when you're flirting...and your'e flirting! (touching her hips; Edie jumps away slightly, laughing)
EDIE: I am not!
LOU: Yes, you are, you're flirting! Kitchy koo! Kitchy koo! (more touching from Lou)
(Gordy enters, and sees this. He finds it HILARIOUS. The action stops abruptly, and Lou takes Gordy by the arm.)
LOU: (very seriously) If I ever catch you telling others about me going 'Kitchy Kitchy Koo'!!!!
GORDY: (stifling a laugh) Did you do that? I never saw you do that!
LOU: Good night, Gordy!
GORDY: Can I tell 'em you said 'Kitchy'? (he exits)
LOU: Thanks, Edie, I know I'm gonna enjoy that.
EDIE: You know, you can still hug me when I give you a present.
LOU: Yeah, I know.
EDIE: You want to?
LOU: In the newsroom?
EDIE: There's no one here!
LOU: Yeah, okay! (Lou looks around. They give each other a big, long hug. Ted comes in unexpectedly;
they quickly disembrace)
TED: Ohhhhh! Hahaha! (Hugs Edie, then Lou. Lou shoves him off.)
(Mary's apartment, sevenish. Preparations for a party have been made.)
RHODA: (enters Mary's apartment, carrying a tarnished silver serving dish) Hello, Sue Ann!
SUE ANN: What do we plan to do about the tarnish?
RHODA: We figured we'd dim the lights.
SUE ANN: Mary, be sure you put something under that tonight. The alcohol from the burner
ruined my table finish. I solved it with a mixture of mayonnaise and ordinary cigarette ashes.
MARY: THAT makes a good stain remover?
RHODA: But a rotten dip.
SUE ANN: What is the 'theme' of this gathering?
MARY: Well, uh, 'Happy Birthday', I guess.
SUE ANN: Oh, Mary. That's so humdrum. Let's come up with a theme. Our decor should say something.
RHODA: Maybe 'our couch' could propose a toast.
SUE ANN: Last month, one of my viewers asked for help with a grandfather's eightieth birthday.
I suggested a kiddie party!! (Mary rolls eyes)
RHODA: (shocked) A kiddie party!
SUE ANN: Don't you love it?! We flew in the face of time! All the old timers got lollipops and balloons,
played musical chairs, wore bibs at the table...
RHODA: (very sarcastically) Tell me, how did grandpa feel when they put him up on the pony to get his picture taken?
(Later on that evening; Rhoda and Sue Ann are out of sight now. Lou and Mary sit on the couch.)
MARY: Here, let me freshen that for ya, Mr. Grant.
LOU: I thought we agreed...just one drink and then I'd be going.
MARY: But you didn't tell me you were coming ten minutes early!
LOU: What's that got to do with it?
MARY: Well, I didn't give the scotch a chance to breathe. (filling up his glass)
LOU: I wanna thank you for not having a party for me today in the newsroom. I know there was talk of getting
me a cake and champagne, and I just wanna thank you for heading it off.
MARY: Awww, Mr. Grant, don't go.
LOU: You wished me many happy returns...what else is there?
LOU: (demanding) Who is it?!
MARY: Ohhhh, it's just Gordy, bringing me some work. (Gordy enters, carrying a large manila envelope)
LOU: What kinda work?
MARY: Just work...
GORDY: From the newsroom.
LOU: I know where you work, I'm your boss! I wanna know what kinda work!!
(opens the envelope and pulls out some party hats)
GORDY: They musta switched envelopes on me!
LOU: Paper hats! We don't use paper hats in the newsroom, Mary. We haven't for years! Paper hats are used at parties! I'm leaving!
(Rhoda, Murray, and Ted are all in now)
TED: (shoving the door back) Back, you animals!! I can see why you don't want those losers in here!
Here's a present for the happy birthday boy. (Lou turns it away.) Aren't you gonna open it?
LOU: No.
TED: I picked it out myself... (begging) pleeeease!
LOU: Oh, okay. (opens the card)
MURRAY: What is it, Lou?
LOU: Thirty dollars.
TED: That's five bucks more than your mother gave you...
MARY: Mr. Grant, I can understand your having an aversion to something...and I'm in complete sympathy with you there. (exasperated now, near tears) But Mr. Grant, WHY are you doing this to me? I mean, I am a person
who lives all her life trying to avoid scenes, you know? And there are twenty four people out there, ready
to bash down my door, just because I want to give you a little party.
TED: Forget it, Mary. We can have a good time with just us, right Lou?
LOU: (embarrassed)You think I enjoy doing this to you?
I know how horrible this evening is to you. I know how horrible it is for all those people
sitting out there on the stairs. But I can't stand it, Mary. I really can't!
MARY: You can't stand what?
LOU: Any demonstration of affection. I don't know how to handle it, and I don't know how to
respond to it. I never have. It's a big problem for me.
MARY: (starting to put her arm around him) Awww, Mr. Grant.
LOU: (reacting) Mary!!
MARY: (backing off) I'm sorry.
LOU: Couldn't you just go out there and tell them to go away?
MARY: No, I can't do that! I invited them here! Mr. Grant, I'm really sorry.
GORDY: Hey, Mary, you have nothing to apologize for.
MURRAY: That's right, you worked pretty hard for this party. And you know why, Lou?
Because she didn't want you to be alone on your birthday.
RHODA: Lou, I just want you to know that I'm not gonna lay any guilt on you, because that's what
my mother always does to me, and I hate it. But if she were here, my mother would say,
'Lou, do what you want. It doesn't make any difference. But you are ripping out the hearts of
those who love you.'
TED: That makes sense, Lou.
LOU: I can't fight all of ya...alright, I'll let 'em in.
(They all enter, singing, but Lou sneaks out as the whole mass of them file in.)
MARY: (holding up a cake with candles lit) Well, he did say he could only stay a few minutes!
TAG, Mary's apartment. She is cleaning up the remnants of the party. Knock at the door.
MARY: (surprised) Mr. Grant!
LOU: I thought I'd stop by and apologize for ruining your party.
MARY: Well...that's alright. Come on in...everybody's gone.
LOU: So, how was my party?
MARY: You wanna know something? It was the best party I ever gave!
LOU: Figures.
MARY: It woulda been a lot better if you'd been here.
LOU: Oh well, that's alright, I understand.
MARY: Here are your presents...Ted insisted that we open them. He said you would've wanted it that way.
LOU: So, everybody had a good time, eh?
MARY: Yeah. Hey, there's some cake left...you want some?
LOU: Hey, who blew out my candles?
MARY: (cheerily)Oh, we all did.
LOU: Yeah? Anyone make a wish?
MARY: Yeah, Gordy.
LOU: What'd he wish?
MARY: Oh, you don't wanna know that, Mr. Grant. So, what'd you do tonight?
LOU: I went down to McCluskey's and had a few belts.
MARY: Sounds like it was fun.
LOU: Yeah, they threw a surprise party for me.
MARY: Well, ya see, Mr. Grant? Everybody really loves you.
LOU: (scowling) I know.
Credits:
Associate Producer/Production Manager: Lionel A. Ephraim
Music composed and conducted by Pat Williams
Theme music "Love is All Around" written and sung by Sonny Curtis
Director of Photography: Paul Uhl
Assistant Producer: Michael Zinberg
Art Director: Lewis Hurst, Jr.
Film Editor: Douglas Hines
Assistant Director: John C. Chulay
Script Supervisor: Marjorie Mullen
Set Decorator: Joseph Rieth
Camera Coordinator: Don Bustany
Gaffer: Sam Ozment
Key Grip: Roy Kight
Property Master: Gene Cox
Makeup: Ben Nye, II
Hairstylist: Donna Cox
Sound Mixer: Cameron McCullough
Music Editor: Ed Norton Music Editing, Inc.
Production Assistant: Cheryl Blythe
Men's Costumes: Don McDonald
Women's Costumes: Leslie Hall
Wardrobe for Mary Tyler Moore furnished by Norman Todd
Script Consultants: James L. Brooks and Allan Burns
Comments: This is a superclassic. Few episodes, if any, episodes of the MTM Show have as much humor as this one does. The sequence where Lou won't let anyone in, and then only his friends get to come in one by one is one of the highest comedic moments in the entire series (Ted being the last and yelling "Back, you animals!" to about thirty people standing in the hallway!) Many great lines and individual humorous zingers amidst, from all the characters. Rhoda: "Mary, I think we found a theme for this party. Hatred." Mary's hairstyle is very cute, too...an uncommon instance where she put it up in a bun instead of letting it flow freely.
Rating: 93
Humor: 25
Writing: 25
Acting: 22
Story Concept: 21
Category: Top 5 percent
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