Episode 4.11
originally broadcast November 24, 1973
Written by William Wood
Directed by Nancy Walker
Storyline: Mary takes pity on Lou after his separation from Edie. He has a hard time now with laundry, meals, and has no one to go home to after twenty-six years. Soon he starts hanging out at her apartment in the evenings, and soon she gets sick and tired of it. Lou asks her to go check in on Edie and see if there's a possibility of her taking him back. She does this, and successfully arranges a date at her apartment. Lou spruces himself up and heads over there a few nights later, only to find out that Edie wants to be...just friends.
MARY: I sure hope Mr. Grant likes this cereal. It's whole ground wheat, corn nuts, and raisins.
MURRAY: Ted, you're wasting your time. That's health food cereal. They don't put prizes in it.
TED: I didn't know you made Lou's breakfast for him, Mary! Starting tomorrow, you can make mine. I like Cocoa Puffs, Kaboom, and anything that shoots out of a can.
MARY: No, Ted, I am not going to make your breakfast for you. I am doing this as a favor to Mr. Grant, because since Mrs. Grant left him, he hasn't been handling things like meals too well.
TED: He wasn't eating his breakfast?
MARY: Well, his version of breakfast...a bottle of beer and some Oreos.
MURRAY: Is he still coming over every night, Mair?
MARY: Yeah. He just doesn't know what to do with himself.
While Mary is talking to Murray, she's slicing a banana into the cereal, but Ted puts his hand under and catches the pieces of banana and eats them...Mary is seemingly unaware of this.
MARY: I mean, he and Mrs. Grant were together
for twenty-six years, and he just isn't making it on his own. Even things like...like waking up in the morning. He was oversleeping every day until I started giving him a wake-up call. You missed one, Ted.
(Lou enters carrying a laundry sack on his back)
MURRAY: G'morning, Lou! Shouldn't you be wearing a red suit and going, 'ho, ho, ho'?
LOU: Right, Murr. Mary, in my office!
RHODA: You're only setting one place setting?
MARY: Well, he said he isn't coming over for dinner tonight.
RHODA: He says that every night! He says he's not coming over, and then he comes here.
MARY: Rhoda, I want to ask you a personal question. I mean, really personal.
RHODA: Oh, that question. Well, the answer to that is, 'when I was twenty.' And no, not at first...but then later....
MARY: No, no, that wasn't my question. Mister Grant wants me to see Mrs. Grant as a go-between.
RHODA: Don't be ridiculous, you'll only get in the middle.
MARY: I'd just like to see them get back together! You know, anything that works, I'd do it.
RHODA: Yeah. Little did they know that when they split up, you'd get custody of Lou!
MARY: If he does come over tonight, will you stay?
RHODA: Sure. He's cute. I love how he lumbers in here wondering about his dinner.
MARY: He comes over here every night at eight and leaves at eleven. I don't even go out anymore because I can't stand the thought of him standing outside that door with no one here...'hello, hello?'
(doorbell rings)
RHODA: (jumping up) Oh boy! Oh boy! Daddy's home!
MARY: Cute, really cute.
LOU: Hi, Mary. Hi, Rhoda. Rough day at the office. It's good to be home. What's for dinner?
MARY: And it's really good to have you here in...my apartment.
LOU: Don't tell me, it's ham. I could smell it all the way up the stairs. I said to myself, 'I know that Mary is making ham.' Smells great!
MARY: Well, thank you, but it's red snapper.
LOU: Red snapper? That's not a kind of ham, Mary! That's a kind of fish!
MARY: Well, yes, I know.
LOU: (he sits down and she hands him his newspaper) It's a fish. You didn't tell me we were havin' fish, Mary.
RHODA: Don't you like fish, Lou?
LOU: Yeah, yeah.
RHODA: Mary, I hope it's alright if I say this. Mary can...she can take the bones out of the fish before she serves it to you. She can do that, Lou. Can't you do that, Mary?
MARY: I can do that, Mr. Grant.
LOU: What else are we having? Vegetables?
MARY: Uh, corn.
LOU: Corn. Corn's good.
RHODA: What a relief.
LOU: Rhoda, what kind of day did you have?
RHODA: Oh, it was a good day. Very nice, thank you.
LOU: Aaah hah. And Mary, what kind of day did you have?
MARY: Mister Grant, you know what kind of a day I had.
LOU: I know, but maybe Rhoda would like to hear about it.
RHODA: (playing along) Yes, Mary. What did you do today?
LOU: I'll tell you what she did. Her boss, her friend, asked her to do a small little favor, to go see his wife. And she said she wouldn't!
MARY: Mister Grant, we went through all this before. I don't think we need to run through it again now.
RHODA: I don't wanna get into the middle of your fight. One of ya sign my report card, I'm going to my room.
LOU: Hey, what time is it? There's a good fight on TV tonight.
MARY: Oh, gee, Mister Grant, I don't feel like watching the fights.
RHODA: Why don't you watch the fights upstairs on my TV?
LOU: Hey, I don't have to watch the fight if you guys wanna watch something else.
MARY: No, that's alright, if we wanna watch something, we'll watch it at Rhoda's. She's got this tiny little miniature TV!
RHODA: Last night I watched Tora! Tora! Tora! but all I got was Tora Tor.
LOU: Well, I'll go watch the fight down at the bar, then.
MARY: (Freudian slipping) Mister Grant, no. I don't want you sitting alone in some dumb bar. I want you staying home tonight. (instantly she realizes her slip) Not that this is your...home. This is...mine. I'll go see Mrs. Grant tomorrow. I will.
EDIE: (standing in doorway, she opens the door) Well, this is it!
MARY: Uh huh! (she's supposed to 'come on in' but for some reason feels awkward about entering)
EDIE: Won't you come in?
MARY: Uh....uh, okay.
EDIE: Everything here is an 'ette'. This is the kitchenette, this is the dinette...would you care for a drinkette?
MARY: (trying to laugh at her bad joke) It's really great! It really looks like you.
EDIE: Thanks, I thought it did, too. It has my eyes!
MARY: (lets out an awkward laugh at this bad joke, too) Thank you!
EDIE: It's really nice of you to drop by, especially since you're so much closer to Lou.
MARY: No, no. I like to think that I'm close to both of you. Really, Mrs.....Eeeedie!
EDIE: How's Lou?
MARY: Fine.
EDIE: You know, I miss him. I'd like to invite him over here, but I'm afraid he'd take it the wrong way. Read all sorts of things into it. Maybe you could....no, I don't want to put you in the middle.
MARY: No...put me in the middle! Really! I don't mind. What's so bad about being in the middle?
TED: Edie, I'm here because I knew that Mary came to talk to you. I said to myself, 'why does Mary always get to be the good one?'
MURRAY: And I'm here to see that Ted doesn't stay too long.
TED: Edie, I'm gonna come right to the point. Lou is heavily involved with a French showgirl named Brigette Dubois. And if you don't make your move soon, you're gonna lose him forever.
MARY: Ted!
MURRAY: Ted, phone call for you! (but the phone doesn't really ring)
TED: Excuse me.
MARY: You are just making matters worse. I can't explain it now, but I will later at the office, okay.
TED: (to phone) Hello? (sotto, to Murray) There's no phone call here? Tell Mr. Cronkite I can't speak to him right now.
LOU: Ted, I've always noticed that you always smell good.
TED: You didn't have to call me in here to tell me that I smell good.
LOU: Tonight is a very special night for me. And tonight, I am particularly interested in your smell.
TED: How long has it been since your wife left you?
LOU: Ted, I just wanna borrow your after shave lotion.
TED: I'll go to my dressing room and get it.
(Mary and Murray enter and start fawning.)
MARY: Oh, Mr. Grant, you just look...so nice! Just look at you...your shirt, your tie, your hair. Well, you just look...so nice.
LOU: (embarrassed) Do we have to keep talking about this?
MURRAY: Lou, what happened to your hair? It looks all...arranged!
LOU: (more embarrassed) I just got it cut, that's all.
MURRAY: And you combed it! You combed your hair. What's the big occasion?
LOU: I'm seeing Edie tonight, that's all.
MURRAY: All I can say is that...Lou, my heart will be with you.
LOU: I'm just dropping by, that's all!
(Ted comes in toting a wine bottle full of after-shave)
LOU: (abruptly; trying to cover up) Okay, Ted! Thanks!
TED: Well, aren't you going to use it, Lou?
LOU: That's all, Ted, thanks!
(Mary and Murray are beaming, as is Ted.)
LOU: Look, I really hadn't planned on drawing a crowd, so just go home. (shouting) Go home, everybody!!
MURRAY: (nervously) I'll be praying as hard as I can that everything will go okay. And try to relax!
Lou puts on after shave lotion and combs his hair using hand mirror, then waits a beat before deciding to staple his shirt where a button fell off the sleeve.
LOU: Great place you have here, Edie! Really great. Oh wait...don't tell me...is that a Queen Anne desk? How 'bout that. Maybe I should just sack out here overnight!
EDIE: (laughing along) Lou!
LOU: What am I, a kid? If I wanted to have...marital relations, I'd just come out and say it. Edie? Do you...wanna have marital relations?
EDIE: No, Lou!
LOU: (slightly angry) So, this is the crummy place you left me for?
EDIE: Yes, it is!
LOU: Ya got a great view. Greeeeattttt view. Mmm hmm. Over two billion served so far. Wonderful! Wonderful. You can just keep track here all the time! Without ever having to leave your window. When you're a little old lady, you can sit here in your chair and say, 'Sold another one. Sixteen billion and three.'
EDIE: I really think we should think of each other as friends.
LOU: Friends?
EDIE: Friends. I have some theater tickets for next week and I think we should go...but as friends. What do you think?
LOU: What do I think? You want us to think of each other as friends...pals...amigos. Is that correct?
EDIE: Lou, you know what I mean.
LOU: Well, we had three daughters together, 'pal'. We slept in the same bed approximately twenty-six years, 'old buddy'. Now what you're saying is that you want us to be friends? Is that the word you used?
EDIE: Yes, that's the word I used.
LOU: We're not gonna be friends, Edie. I told you I didn't want another woman, and I meant it. And we survived it all. All! I'm going to go to that play with you, Edie. Am I going as a friend, or not?
EDIE: Not. Not as a friend.
(Lou leans back and relaxes)
EDIE: Don't gloat.
Audio Files:
They're on their way!
Credits:
Associate Producer/Production Manager: Lionel A. Ephraim
Music composed and conducted by Pat Williams
Theme music "Love is All Around" written and sung by Sonny Curtis
Director of Photography: Paul Uhl
Assistant Producer: Michael Zinberg
Executive Story Consultant: Treva Silverman
Art Director: Lewis Hurst, Jr.
Film Editor: Douglas Hines
Assistant Director: John C. Chulay
Script Supervisor: Marjorie Mullen
Set Decorator: James Hassinger
Main Title: David Davis
Camera Coordinator: Don Bustany
Gaffer: Sam Ozment
Key Grip: Roy Kight
Property Master: Gene Cox
Makeup: Ben Nye, II
Hairstylist: Donna Cox
Sound Mixer: Cameron McCullough
Music Editor: Ed Norton Music Editing, Inc.
Production Assistant: Cheryl Blythe
Men's Costumes: Don McDonald
Women's Costumes: Leslie Hall
Wardrobe for Mary Tyler Moore furnished by Norman Todd
Trivia: Funny reference to McDonalds, which is today closer to "trillions" served than billions.
Rating: 69
Humor: 17
Writing: 20
Acting: 17
Story Concept: 15
Category: Top third
Comment: Par-for-the-course episode...one we're expecting about Lou and Edie's possible reunitement. Many funny bits throughout, mostly from Rhoda in a great "Mary and Rhoda in Mary's apartment" sequence.
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