Episode 1.5
originally broadcast October 17, 1970
Written by Steve Pritzker
Directed by Alan Rafkin
Storyline: Frank Carelli, an old army buddy of Lou's (whom Lou has nearly forgotten) never quite made first string on the Minnesota Vikings football team and now sells life insurance. He comes to WJM-TV to apply for a job as sportscaster. He has no knack for sportscasting but makes friends with Mary and Rhoda, who encourage him to find the career that he really wants. He finds that working with kids is his true calling, and returns to his home state, Florida.
Memorable Quotations/Exchanges:
MARY: Why is the traffic jam more important than the prison riot?
LOU: You are so lucky. I am going to tell you everything I know about news. It's worth taking notes.
MARY: Oh.
LOU: Don't take notes. Why is the traffic jam more important than the prison riot? How many people would you say were in the prison riot?
MARY: Uh, fifty.
LOU: And how many in the traffic jam?
MARY: Oh...I see.
LOU: No, you don't. A lot of those people in the traffic jam are going to go home and watch the news, right?
MARY: Right.
LOU: The guys in the prison riot won't be watching the news! They're either going to be over the wall or in solitary.
MARY: I'll see if I can find that crew!
MARY: (to phone) Prison? Would you get me the warden's office please? (a pause) Hello, could you tell me where the riot is today? Oh, well as you were taking over the office, did you happen to notice a WJM-TV crew there?
MURRAY: I solved the problem for you, Lou! This is film of that big 1952 traffic jam. All traffic jams look alike.
LOU: That solution could cost us our license, Murray! We can't use that film of the 1952 traffic jam as the one we're having today! The FCC takes a very dim view of that!
MURRAY: Read my lead.
LOU: 'Today's traffic jam was the worst we've had since 1952, which you'll all remember, looked like this...' Murray, I love ya. Get it in to Ted.
PHYLLIS: Yoo hoo!!
MARY: (she's helping Rhoda do her hair) Come on in, Phyllis!
PHYLLIS: That's not likely to help, Rhoda...oh, I'm just kidding. In fact, Rhoda, you've never looked better.
RHODA: (sourly) Very funny.
PHYLLIS: Mary, I want to give you a chance to atone for hanging up on me today, and do a service for mankind at the same time.
RHODA: She already did a service for mankind, by hanging up on you.
PHYLLIS: How would you both like to help abolish capital punishment?
MARY: Phyllis, there's no capital punishment in this state.
RHODA: That was easy!
PHYLLIS: Well, we can't give up the fight just because we've won.
MARY: What do you want us to do?
PHYLLIS: We're having our annual dinner dance next month.
MARY: You have a dance to abolish capital punishment?
PHYLLIS: Well, it's not all frivolous, we do have an electric chair on display!
RHODA: How does it feel to dance when the lights flicker?
PHYLLIS: This afternoon, a girl told us a joke that broke us up. Oh, you'll appreciate this one, Rhoda. Do you know what a guillotine operator is?
RHODA: I'm afraid to ask.
PHYLLIS: A guillotine operator is a man who can keep his head when all others around him are losing theirs! Hahaha! Isn't that cute?
RHODA: No. (doorbell rings) Were you expecting company, Mair?
MARY: (answering) Hi!
FRANK CARELLI: Hi! I was playing with some kids in the park when I remembered our appointment, so I ran home and grabbed the stuffy old briefcase and...here I am! Ladies! Hope I'm not late!
MARY: Actually, you're about twenty-three hours early.
FRANK: You mean it was supposed to be tomorrow?
MARY: Yes.
FRANK: Boy, am I dumb! (long silence follows)
MARY: This is Frank Carelli, and he's here to talk to me about life insurance plans. Uh, well as long as you're here, let me get you some coffee.
FRANK: Could I have some milk instead?
MARY: Sure.
RHODA: Life insurance, huh? Well, that leaves me out. I still haven't met a beneficiary.
PHYLLIS: Lars, my husband, and I are into cryonetics.
FRANK: What's that?
PHYLLIS: Well, when Lars and I...go...we will be frozen. Then whenever they find a cure for whatever it is that made us...go...we will be defrosted.
FRANK: Hey, I know, I can work out a plan where you wouldn't have to pay the premiums while you're on ice.
PHYLLIS: Frank, how would you like to serve humanity by stopping capital punishment, and all you have to do is buy a chance.
FRANK: A chance, sure.
PHYLLIS: You can win a genuine antique guillotine.
MARY: Just what you've always wanted, right Frank?
RHODA: For that wall you never know what to do with.
PHYLLIS: That'll be ten dollars.
FRANK: Ten dollars? Well okay, here's two fives.
PHYLLIS: Oh, thank you. I must run, Mary. Here, pin this on his snowsuit. It shows he gave.
MARY: It looks like a...man with a nuce around his neck.
PHYLLIS: It is! When you pull the string, his little tongue and eyes pop out!
FRANK: There's one thing for sure, you'll never get a hernia lifting my scrapbook...hahahahaha! Hey, that's my bubble gum card. There's some information about me on the back.
MARY: I don't think I've ever met anyone on a bubble gum card before.
FRANK: You know, if I'd been on the first string of the Minnesota Vikings, I coulda been a restaurant owner when I retired.
MARY: Is that really what you want to do, though? Be a restaurant owner?
FRANK: Sure, owning a restaurant is a great career...OR..."Vikings 21, Minnesota 15, Lions 14, Milwaukee zero, Chicago 22." How was I?
MARY: I don't know...it depends on what you were doing!
FRANK: Sportscasting! I'll be honest with you, Mary, that's what I wanted to talk to Lou Grant about. Will you be my contact?
MARY: Well, uh...I really don't think it's necessary.
FRANK: In these days, everyone needs a contact to get anywhere. So will you be my contact?
MARY: Uh...
FRANK: Will you be my contact?!
MARY: I....will be your contact.
MARY: Mr. Grant, is the sportscasters job still open?
LOU: Yeah, but not for long. Everyone in the state wants that job. All you have to do is stand in front of the camera, read the scores, and collect *twenty* grand a year! I'm trying to figure a way to get my wife to take the job.
MARY: Do you think Frank Carelli would be good?
LOU: No.
MARY: Well, what if he came in and really knocked your socks off?
LOU: You know, that's not a bad idea.
MARY: About Frank coming in and auditioning?
LOU: No, about my wife. If I put her in a sports jacket, pull her hair back...
MARY: Frank, you and I are buddies, right?
FRANK: Right!
MARY: I mean, we're good friends, right?
FRANK: Right.
MARY: Well, I just wanted to know.
FRANK: Oh, I see what you're getting at. The male animal has certain needs, right?
MARY: No!
FRANK: No offense, but you're a little bit too skinny for me. I like big broads...zaftig! So don't sweat it!
MARY: Okay, I won't sweat it.
RHODA: (handing him the meat pounder) Here's to good eating.
FRANK: (using the pounder as a microphone) This is Frank Carelli with the sports!
(Frank botches audition.)
MARY: He doesn't have a chance, does he?
LOU: Nope, Timmy was terriffic. And he had to be, because my wife wasn't all that bad!
Credits:
Associate Producer/Unit Production Manager: Lionel A. Ephraim
Music Composed and Conducted by Pat Williams
Theme Song "Love is All Around" Written and Sung by Sonny Curtis
Director of Photography: Paul Uhl
Film Editor: Douglas Hines, A.C.E.
Assistant Director: John C. Chulay
Art Director: Lewis E. Hurst, Jr.
Set Decorator: Raymond Boltz
Script Supervisor: Dorothy Aldworth
Title Visualization: Reza S. Badiyi
Assistant to Producers: Lorenzo Music
Camera Coordinator: Don Bustany
Music Editing: Ed Norton Music, Inc.
Makeup Artist: Ben Nye, II
Hair Stylist: Donna M. Cox
Men's Costumes: Don MacDonald
Women's Costumes: Leslie Hall
Wardrobe for Mary Tyler Moore Furnished by Evan-Picone
Men's Wardrobe Furnished by Palm Beach, Designed by John Weitz
Trivia: John Schuck, who holds a long list of acting credits, played Herman Munster in the early 1990's "Return of the Munsters" production. No Ted Knight in this episode; he took the week off. Note how Phyllis calls Frank's simple hooded sweatshirt a "snowsuit"...sign of the times.
Rating: 30
Humor: 8
Writing: 10
Acting: 10
Story Concept: 5
Category: Top two-thirds
Comment: This one really isn't funny...Schuck plays Frank Carelli as a grade-A idiot. Be it the script or be it the acting, "Keep Your Guard Up" remains one of four shows that don't quite wash. However, it serves as a good indicator of the kind of loyalty that Mary Richards stood for. If she liked the person, she'd do anything for them.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Last updated:
Sitemaster: Andrew Szym, esq. webmaster@mtmshow.com
© 2002, Benteen Fort Industries