Episode 6.10
originally broadcast November 15, 1975
Written by David Lloyd
Directed by Jay Sandrich
Storyline:
Lou gets a call from Veronica Ludlow, an old girlfriend from his war days. Veronica dumped Lou in the form of a Dear John letter, having already married another man and sold Lou's engagement ring to pay for the honeymoon. Now she's back in town and wants to get together with him. Meanwhile, Ted is angry because Mary threw Georgette a wedding shower and he never got to have a bachelor party. Mary throws him one, reluctantly, on a Friday night. That night, Lou meets up with Veronica in an elegant restaurant...she's as beautiful as ever...but the only reason she wanted to see Lou was so she could bum a hundred dollars so her current boy toy can get his trombone out of the pawn shop. Without haste, Lou douses his old flame, as he'd been wanting to do for thirty years!
Memorable Quotations/Exchanges:
MARY: (finishing phone call) Okay, bye. Murray, did Mr. Grant ever mention a Veronica Ludlow?
MURRAY: No, why?
MARY: Well, she called but she didn't say what she wanted.
MURRAY: Yeah, people like that are a pain in the neck.
SUE ANN: 'Morning little news folks!
MURRAY: And now, moving to another part of the anatomy...
SUE ANN: Mary, that was a lovely party yesterday...I couldn't have done better myself! (to Murray, discreetly) A tactful lie is no sin.
MARY: Well, in that case, Sue Ann, I enjoyed having you! (winks at her)
MURRAY: What kind of a party was it, Mair?
MARY: Oh, just a shower for Georgette. She and Ted got married so quickly, there wasn't time beforehand.
MURRAY: Did she get some good gifts?
MARY: Oh yeah. Linens, china, kitchenware...and an autographed copy of Sue Ann's new book on household hints.
SUE ANN: "How To Please a Man".
MURRAY: Well, like they say, those who can, 'do', and those who can't, 'teach'.
SUE ANN: Ahhhhh, Murray! Funny Murray! Witty Murray! Shiny Murray!
TED: I missed everything that goes along with the wedding.
MURRAY: Everything??!
SUE ANN: (patting him) I'll handle the risque thoughts, dear.
TED: I didn't get a bachelor party or anything!
SUE ANN: The answer is so simple! Mary will give you a bachelor party, and I'll help.
TED: That's great!
MARY: Are you kidding? Mary will do nothing of the sort!
TED: Okay, Mary. Just wait until you get married and you want me to throw you a bachelor party.
MARY: (entering Ted's dressing room) Ted, now that you're married, I need you to sign the W-4 forms again.
TED: I'm not in the signing mood, Ms. Richards.
GEORGETTE: He's still upset about you not giving him a bachelor party. He says he's entitled to it, it's his right as a stud.
MARY: Ted, I am not giving you a bachelor party.
TED: C'mon, Mary. It'll give me a chance to get all my friends in one room! Lou, Murray.... did I mention Lou?
MARY: I'm not changing my mind, Ted.
TED: Mary, I have a secret that nobody in the world knows about, not even Georgette. Georgette, will you excuse us?
GEORGETTE: But Ted...
TED: Georgette, I'm your husband. If I can't have secrets from you, then who can?
GEORGETTE: Oh, that makes sense. (she exits)
TED: This is a secret that I've never told anyone before, not a soul.
MARY: Ted, I don't have a lot of time, so what's the secret?
TED: Mary, you might have a hard time believing this...but I'm not a popular guy. I'm all alone, and you're the only friend I've got. And now I don't even have you. And I'm all alone.
MARY: (she gives in) Would tomorrow night be alright?
LOU: That war cost me the woman I loved, Mary, so don't try defending Hitler to me! You'll notice that I'm saying 'cost me'. You're probably wondering how. I'll tell ya how. In the worst way possible. A 'Dear John' letter on the eve of battle.
MARY: Well, Mr. Grant, look at the bright side. I'll bet there were a lot of guys who didn't get any mail.
LOU: I was sitting in my foxhole, eating chipped beef out of my helmet, when the letter came. I read it by the light of bursting shells. I still remember every word of it. You wanna hear it?
MARY: You ate chipped beef out of a helmet?
LOU: That's right, and after I finished reading the letter, I took the helmet full of chipped beef and emptied it on the head of the guy in the next foxhole.
MARY: Who could blame you?
LOU: He did. An enemy bullet couldn't have hurt me as much as that letter did. And now after thirty years, she wants to see me again.
MARY: Mr. Grant, do we really have to go into the past....
LOU: 'Dear Lou, How are you? I am fine. Lou, I have something very important to tell you. I know I said I loved you, and at the time I thought I meant it. But now I guess I really didn't. Otherwise, how could I have married somebody else yesterday? I'd send your engagement ring back to you but we were forced to sell it to pay for the honeymoon. I knew you'd understand, good luck with the war, Veronica.'
MARY: She SOLD your engagement ring?
LOU: Yep, and she wants to meet me for dinner tomorrow night at Le Petit Chateau.
MARY: What are you gonna do?
LOU: First, I'm gonna cook up a mess of chipped beef, fill my army helmet with it, walk into the restaurant, and dump it over Veronica's head.
MARY: Come on!
LOU: I'm serious, Mary.
MARY: Mister Grant, you can not walk into a crowded French restaurant on a Saturday night with a helmet full of chipped beef and dump it over somebody's head.
LOU: You're right. I'd better make a reservation!
MARY: Well, everybody's here! This is supposed to be a bachelor party, so whaddya wanna do first?
SUE ANN: How about a game?!
TED: Great, let's play some games!
SUE ANN: I know a fascinating adult party game, it's called Nymphs and Sailors. You can go to jail just for explaining the rules to somebody else!
TED: I think you should all take turns paying me tribute.
MARY: Okay, here's to many happy years!
TED: That's not a real bachelor party toast!
GEORGETTE: I know the kind of thing Ted means...(standing up, toasting) 'Here's mud in your eye, you horse's neck, for trading in your freedom for a ball and chain. Keep her pregnant in the summer and barefoot in the winter!' (long, loud applause follows) I got that from a book of party toasts. It's pretty dumb, but it's what he wants.
MURRAY: Here's to Ted Baxter. Quite a guy. One of the world's great bachelors. You know, Ted, when you got married, you broke a lot of hearts. But don't worry, Georgette's family will soon get over it.
TED: Hahahaha, I love this!! It's like a Dean Martin roast! What about you, Lou?
LOU: I don't wanna give a toast, Ted.
TED: Oh, come on, Lou. Say whatever's on your mind!
LOU: (sputtering) Okay. Here's to the girls of your youth. The first girl you ever loved. To the things that might've been, and the things that never will be, throughout your whole life, until you DIE.
TED: I'm not gonna drink to that!!
MARY: (scolding) Could I see you in my bedroom?
SUE ANN: (in shock) If I'd only known it was that easy!
MARY: I think the reason you didn't go down there has nothing to do with not wanting to dump food on Veronica. I think the reason you didn't go down there is because you're afraid that it might rekindle something.
LOU: Don't be ridiculous, Mary, I hate her!
MARY: I don't believe you. Methinks thou dost protest too much.
LOU: What did you just say?
MARY: I said I don't believe you.
LOU: No, no, the other part.
MARY: Oh, Mr. Grant, that's just an expression. You can't repeat that.
LOU: Yeah, you can!
MARY: I said...methinks thou dost protest too much.
LOU: You thinks that dost you?! Well, let me tell thee something, Mary...you're right.
LOU: Veronica?
VERONICA: Lou?
LOU: You haven't changed at all!
VERONICA: Oh, thank you! Thank you, Lou. You have.
VERONICA: Can I ask you something?
LOU: Is it one of those things that ladies...didn't talk about thirty years ago?
VERONICA: Yes...
LOU: Shoot.
VERONICA: Can I borrow a hundred dollars?
LOU: A hundred dollars?
VERONICA: I wouldn't ask you if it weren't for a very good reason.
LOU: Oh, you don't owe me any explanation. I mean, you wouldn't call me up after thirty years and ask for money if it wasn't for a good reason.
VERONICA: Oh, Lou, you are still wonderful!
LOU: (digs into his wallet and pulls out some twenties) Listen, I've got tickets for the basketball game tomorrow. Do you wanna go?
VERONICA: I'd love to, Lou, but I can't! I'm leaving town tonight. You see, my boyfriend has to get his trombone out of hock, and his wife won't give him the money.
LOU: You need the money because your boyfriend...
VERONICA: has to get his trombone...
LOU: ...out of hock?
VERONICA: (putting the dollars in her purse) Because his wife won't give him the money. We are really stranded, Lou! Now if he can get his horn, and we can get a coupla gigs, we can work our way to Vegas!
LOU: (standing) Yeah, well...I've got a party to go to. Uh, it was great seeing you again Veronica.
VERONICA: You too, Lou.
LOU: I'm really glad I came. I learned something.
VERONICA: Oh? What's that.
LOU: The past is past! You can't go back. Nothing stays the same, especially us. I'm not the guy I was thirty years ago. I'm older and I'm wiser. I guess I've just mellowed. So long.
VERONICA: So long.
LOU: (doubling back) Oh, what the hell!!! (He dumps the cobbler dessert over her head.)
MARY: Mr. Grant!
LOU: Hi, Mary.
MARY: Was she there?
LOU: Oh yeah, yeah!
MARY: How did it go?!
LOU: Couldn't have been better.
MARY: So you're not sorry you took my advice?
LOU: Sorry? No. It was the best advice you ever gave me.
MARY: Come on in, sit down, tell me all about it... So are you gonna see her again?
LOU: (smiling) No, I don't think so, Mary. I just wanna remember what she looked like when I left her.
MARY: (huge beaming smile) Oh, that's just wonderful.......oh!
Comments: The great character actress Beverly Garland carries a whole fleet of television and movie credits that date all the way back to the early 1950's. For three seasons (1969-1972), she appeared as Barbara Harper Douglas on "My Three Sons", a casting choice insisted upon by series star Fred MacMurray. The MTMS casting agents were lucky to snag her to play the sleazy-but-beautiful Veronica Ludlow in this episode, as she was very busy guesting on many TV series' in the 1970's Ms. Garland has owned and operated the magnificent Beverly Garland Holiday Inn in North Hollywood since 1972. In 2001, a documentary "Beverly Garland: The First Fifty Years in Showbiz" was released and plays on the 'Garland Channel' in all the rooms in her hotel.
Trivia: Ms. Garland also made a noteworthy appearance sixteen years earlier in the 1960 "Twilight Zone" episode "The Four of Us Are Dying". The episode was written by Rod Serling based on a story by George Clayton Johnson. In it, Beverly Garland played a torch singer named Maggie whose trumpet-playing friend-come-boyfriend, Johnny Foster, gets run over by a car. Johnny's ghost comes back and promises to take Maggie on a joyride tour of the United States. But unfortunately, the 'ghost' is actually just a decoy...a man named Arch Hammer (a man with the ability to change his face) read about Johnny Foster's death in a newspaper, transformed himself into Foster and went down to the bar to see if he could find one of Foster's old flames. Ultimately, Hammer runs away and leaves Beverly's character Maggie stranded for good. In David Lloyd's funny MTMS script, which is altogether different, he does keep Beverly Garland's character vaguely connected to Maggie of "The Four of Us Are Dying". Who knows if it was coincidental or not, but it remains an interesting similarity to those who are familiar with both series'.
Beverly Garland at the August 2002
"Stars of the Twilight Zone Convention" held at her hotel
coordinated by me (A. Szym) and Bill DeVoe
Rating: 75
Humor: 17
Writing: 19
Acting: 19
Story Concept: 20
Category: Top 25%
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