Episode 4.7
originally broadcast October 27, 1973
Written by Phil Mishkin
Directed by Jay Sandrich
Storyline: Wes Callison quit his job on Chuckles the Clown's kiddie show and has since been freelance writing. But he can't get Mary Richards out of his mind and would love to be around her every day. He gets a job in the WJM-TV newsroom when one of the staff writers leave to assume a job writing for Walter Cronkite. Wes's infatuation with Mary keeps escalating and he proposes marriage (his third or fourth proposal to her, total) only to have her turn him down once again. He has an idea of a new format for broadcasting the news IN the newsroom itself, instead of the studio. That way, the staff could be seen delivering breaking news bulletins to Ted while he's on the air. Lou approves the idea and they try it out. On the day of the broadcast, he shows up at the studio drunk and succeeds in completely wrecking the "live" newscast. Wes weighs up the situation and decides to go back to writing for Chuckles.
Memorable Quotations/Exchanges:
MARY: We were just giving a little going away party for Josh.
TED: Oh, yes. Going off to write for good old Cronkie. Well, I just hope Josh remembers that he's just like the rest of us. I mean, he takes his pants off one leg at a time, just like me.
MURRAY: Yeah, but the difference is that you try to take yours off over your head.
WES: Listen, Mary, I know I didn't call you for a couple months, but there was a good reason.
MARY: No, no, Wes, listen, it's okay! Really!
WES: I was really down. I mean DOWN. And when I'm down like that, I don't feel right about going out with people like you, and I have to go out with down women. I mean low. Really LOW women. You know the kind I'm talking about?
MARY: Yeah, I guess I do.
WES: Well, not that low.
RHODA: Mair, why would Lou hire a clown writer for Ted? All obvious jokes aside.
MARY: I really think Wes is going to be just fine!
TED: Ah, Wes, I'm glad you're here. I just wanted to give you one or two hints, so it'll be easier for you to write for me.
WES: Oh! Sure.
TED: In the field of foreign news, try to avoid countries and politicians whose names are impossible to pronounce. Last night some joker gave me a story about Ethiopia (Ted looks over at Murray; Murray looks back) and I had to pronounce that guy's name...that guy who's the king of it or something?
WES: Hyli Scolasi?
TED: Yeah, yeah. Could you try to avoid him? In fact, just avoid anything about Ethiopia. No one cares about it anyway.
CHUCKLES: My idiot writers have me swallowed up by Moby Pickle...and I mean, there's no jokes, not motivation for it or anything. You've gotta help me out, Wes.
LOU: No clowns in the newsroom.
TED: (to Murray) What's up?
MURRAY: Chuckles is caught in a giant pickle and doesn't know how to get out.
TED: Oh, I know about that.
WES: (to Chuckles) Uh, I don't know, Chuck.
LOU: (interrupting) What if the pickle just says to them, 'I'm sick of this! You've got just ten seconds to GET OUTA HERE!' (motioning towards the door)
CHUCKLES: No, Pickle would never say that.
TED: Waaaait a second. Are you telling me that three people can eat that much pickle?
CHUCKLES: It's a fantasy, Baxter!
TED: You're tellin' me? That's why it's not real!
CHUCKLES: You wanna know what's real? Ratings are real. "The Chuckles the Clown Show", seventeen. "The Six O'Clock News", six. That's no fantasy.
TED: Wait a minute, Clown.
CHUCKLES: Who you calling a clown?
TED: (eyeing Chuckles' shoes) Well, if the shoe fits! You think you're so hot? Everyone here knows that Esther Duck has been carrying you for the last five years.
CHUCKLES: You know what she was doing when I found her? Nothing!!
TED: You know what Murray was doing when I found him? He was a wine-o on skid row beggin' for quarters! (Murray throws down his pencil and puts his head in his hands) Everyone knows that you're the only guy on your show who struck out with Princess Potato!
CHUCKLES: (leaving) You go too far, Baxter.
TED: Talk about Mr. Sensitive.
MURRAY: Well, I'm going to lunch. Hey, Wes, can you loan me a quarter for a bottle of muscatel?
MURRAY: You're afraid to show anyone that you have negative feelings about them. You're a pushover because people know that you'll never be angry with them.
MARY: I do so...get angry!
MURRAY: C'mon, let's forget about it. Do you have some gum?
MARY: Yes, I have gum, Murray! I have two pieces of gum, and I want them both! And I am not afraid to tell you that because I am sick and tired of you always bumming gum from me, Murray! Yes, I have gum. You're too damn lazy to go out and buy yourself your own package because you're always so sure that you're gonna get mine! Well, this time you're wrong, Murray. I have gum. Sugarless cherry, Murray. That's right, sugarless cherry, your most favorite and most beloved kind! And I am not afraid to tell you that you are not getting any! (She hands him a stick of the gum; he accepts.)
WES: (entering the room) Hi everybody.
MARY: Hi, Wes!
WES: (blotto, smarmily) Hi Maaaary.
LOU: He's bombed!
TED: Hey, Wes! That was a terrific idea you had! Great for my image. Best thing that coulda happened to me.
WES: It isn't gonna work. Nothing in my life ever works, so why should this?
TED: Lou, Lou, why isn't it going to work?
LOU: Don't worry, Ted, it's going to work. It is going to work. (to Wes) Why isn't it going to work?!
WES: Ask her, she thinks she knows everything.
MARY: It's a great idea. It will work.
LOU: (to Wes, guiding him over to a desk) Yeah, yeah. Now, just sit down right over here, Wes.
WES: (blotto) Fat lot you know, Mary!
MURRAY: Here's your copy, Ted.
TED: Wait, wait, wait a minute. What's this 'Dateline Ethiopia' doing here?
MURRAY: I couldn't help it, Ted. There was an earthquake there.
TED: Is that king guy's name in there?
MURRAY: Yes it is...
TED: (crumpling up the paper) Then to heck with it.
MURRAY: Ted, that's our opener! We've got a minute of film on that!
TED: Don't worry, Murr. I'll wing it.
(NEWSCAST DONE WITHIN NEWSROOM)
TED: There was a brush fire in Humbolt National Park...(phone rings) That's the phone! You wanna answer the phone, Mair, so we can see what big story is breaking in?
MARY: (answering) Newsroom?
WES: Hi, Mary! (he's only five feet away; Mary swivels around in shock)
MARY: (sotto) That was for me.
TED: Dateline Washington. Consumer prices rose again this last week to a record high of nine-tenth of one percent.
MURRAY: (Enters the room and heads for his desk which is currently occupied by Ted...he stares into the camera and freezes awkwardly) Bulletin, Mr. Baxter!
TED: That's the way we do things around here...bulletins right off the wire! The staff brings it to me, so that you get the news when we get the news! (Ted accepts the paper, then throws it into a pile of papers)
MARY: (sotto, mouthing the words 'read it' to Ted urgently)
TED: Dateline....Ja-karta (he looks to Mary to see if he's pronouncing it correctly; she nods). Jakarta!! American vice councilman Robert Dillingham was released after Indonesian terrorists captured him four days ago. Well, that's certainly good news, isn't it gang? (raising voice) Isn't it, gang?!!
MARY AND OTHERS: Oh, yes! (Wes pulls a sheet off the typewriter and comes over)
TED: Oh, here's Wes Callison to bring me another bulletin. (grabs and reads Wes's note to Mary) Look, I'm sorry. I know I made some mistakes, but I just want you to know that I still care about you and I hope we can still be friends. We'll be back with more on that story right after this commercial message!
OFFSTAGE VOICE: Okay, we're into commercial, Ted.
TED: Hey, I think it's going pretty well so far, don't you?!
TAG
MARY: Wes, that was really a lovely note you sent me.
WES: Thanks, Mary.
MARY: I have an idea, why don't you and I go out for....uh, dinner.
WES: Look, I don't want you feeling sorry for me, Mary. It's not the end of the world, I still have Chuckles.
MARY: No, Wes, I'd really like to have dinner with you.
WES: But you feel sorry for me, and that's why you wanna have dinner, isn't that right?
MARY: Well....yes.
WES: Well, that's good enough for me, let's go have dinner.
MARY: Right.
Credits:
Associate Producer/Production Manager: Lionel A. Ephraim
Music composed and conducted by Pat Williams
Theme music "Love is All Around" written and sung by Sonny Curtis
Director of Photography: Paul Uhl
Assistant Producer: Michael Zinberg
Executive Story Consultant: Treva Silverman
Art Director: Lewis Hurst, Jr.
Film Editor: Douglas Hines
Assistant Director: John C. Chulay
Script Supervisor: Marjorie Mullen
Set Decorator: James Hassinger
Main Title: David Davis
Camera Coordinator: Don Bustany
Gaffer: Sam Ozment
Key Grip: Roy Kight
Property Master: Gene Cox
Makeup: Ben Nye, II
Hairstylist: Donna Cox
Sound Mixer: Cameron McCullough
Music Editor: Ed Norton Music Editing, Inc.
Production Assistant: Cheryl Blythe
Men's Costumes: Don McDonald
Women's Costumes: Leslie Hall
Wardrobe for Mary Tyler Moore furnished by Norman Todd
Trivia: This is the only episode where we actually see Chuckles the Clown interacting with the other WJM staff. He remained an elusive figure for the rest of the series. The title of the episode is a take-off of that famous Disney picture called "Son of Flubber". This is also the episode where we find out the name of the blonde-headed guy who occupies a desk in the newsroom... he's Pete, played by J. Benjamin Chulay. Gavin O'Herlihy, seen for about five seconds at the beginning of the episode, played the short-lived character Chuck Cunningham on "Happy Days".
Rating: 81
Humor: 21
Writing: 21
Acting: 20
Story Concept: 19
Category: Top 20%
Comment: Jerry Van Dyke made this sequel appearance and he does even more splendidly. All really goes to hell when Wes insists on driving to work every day with Mary and insisting she cancel her lunch dates for him. He shows up drunk at the studio on the night they try out his news format idea. Of course, he's part of the newsroom staff and succeeds in making a complete wrecking of the whole proceedings by calling Mary on the phone (from three desks away!) and passing a note that Ted mistakes for incoming news bulletins and reads on the air. Also humorous are Ted's on-camera introductions of the newsroom staff and their responses.
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