Episode 4.5
originally broadcast October 13, 1973
Written by Jerry Mayer
Directed by Jay Sandrich
Storyline:
When Ted asks Mary to order tweezers and other assorted supplies for his personal use, she gets more than a little flustered and asks Lou to give her something challenging to do. At the drop of a hat, he assigns her the task of hiring a new sportscaster...and firing the old one. In order to let Ed Cavenaugh down easy, she invites him to lunch and he tries to mesmerize her with his suavity with the opposite sex. Then Mary learns a lesson: don't fire the current sportscaster until you've hired another one. After days of screening applicants, listening to demo tapes and perusing their eight-by-ten glossies, she decides on Andy Rivers. On the night of Andy's first broadcast, Mary once again gets a case of the blues when all Andy has to say on the air are three football scores. Her melancholy lapses once more when Andy invites her to dinner. "Careful!", Ted warns him..."that's how she fired the last guy."
Memorable Quotations/Exchanges:
MARY: Can you imagine why Ted would want me to order tweezers for him?
MURRAY: Sure! Last night I went down to his dressing room and found him trying to pick the logo for "The Rip Van Winkle Motel" out of a bath towel.
MARY: Mister Grant, I have worked here for three years now, and...
LOU: Mary...
MARY: I'm not here to ask for another raise.
LOU: Oh, then go on.
MARY: (emotional) Thank you. I have worked here for three years now, and after doing every little piddly thing from ordering paperclips to tweezers, I feel I'm ready for a little more responsibility, you know? Something challenging. Something difficult.
LOU: Ya do, huh?
MARY: Yes, I do. And if you'd do that for me, I think it would take some of the load off your shoulders.
LOU: You're right. Okay.
MARY: Thank you, Mister Grant. You know, when I came in here, I wasn't sure how you'd...you'd react to my asking for more responsibility, and then it occurred to me, 'Oh, Mr. Grant will understand'...
LOU: Ya did good.
MARY: I did?
LOU: Yeah. About the asking me for the responsibility? Really good. But this instant-replay part? This part stinks.
MARY: I suppose you want a few days to think it over.
LOU: No, I have something...actually, two things, that I want you to do now. I want you to hire a sportscaster.
MARY: I didn't know Ed was leaving.
LOU: Neither does he. That's the second thing I want you to do. Fire Ed Cavenaugh.
MARY: (standing up, worried) I've never fired anyone in my life! I had a cleaning lady once who I couldn't fire, so I moved! Why are we firing him?
LOU: At the last Christmas party, he made a pass at the station manager's wife.
MARY: Oh well, that has to happen a lot. You know?
LOU: Yeah, but this was a completed pass.
MARY: Ed, you're making this soooo difficult....
ED: (passionately kissing Mary's hand) Why don't you just let me take it from here on in.
MARY: Ed, you're....fired.
ED: (stops the kissing) Hahahaha. You're puttin' me on!
MARY: (with a quaver) No...
ED: You can't fire me, you're not my boss. Lou's my boss...
MARY: Right...
ED: So?
MARY: He told me I could.
ED: Well, that really steams me. You come down here and throw yourself all over me, and then you fire me? Well, no broad fires Ed Cavenaugh, how 'bout that?!
MARY: Well, Ed...a broad just fired you, and I'm sorry.
ED: Are you really sorry?
MARY: Yes.
ED: (moving close to her face) How sorry?
MARY: Not that sorry.
RHODA: (spraying water on plants) Hey Mary, don't you think you should know something about sports before you hire a sportscaster?
MARY: I know about sports. (Rhoda hits her with some of the water) Hey, will ya watch it?! I know who won the world series in 1942.
RHODA: Who?
MARY: Cards over the Yanks, five to two.
RHODA: How did you know that?
MARY: Oh, it was on the late show last night. Some old war movie...you had to know that to get back to the lines.
RHODA: (dredging up this old stand-by insult) Another qualification you have...you were a cheerleader!
MARY: I don't think Mr. Grant gave me the job because I was a cheerleader.
RHODA: What was it like to be a cheerleader, Mair?
MARY: What do you mean?
RHODA: Tell me, when they formed that human pyramid, you were the one on the top, right?
MARY: Yeah, well...but the head cheerleader was always on top.
RHODA: Oh, HEAD cheerleader! You never told me that! The head one!
MARY: Rhoda...
RHODA: What was it like? Ya gotta tell me. You are the only one I know who lived my fantasy.
MARY: Well, the head cheerleader got to shoot off this little canon. Rhoda, I'm really so busy right now.
RHODA: In my neighborhood, anyone who shot a little canon got up against the wall with their hands up. Do a cheer for me, will ya? I'll leave if you do. Please, just one.
MARY: Yo, yo, ski dottin' wattin'. Yo, yo, ski dottin' wattin'. Beat 'em, beat 'em, wattin' dottin', rah rah rah rah team!
RHODA: Ha ha! That's great! You did that up in front of a crowd?
MARY: (shyly) Yeah!
RHODA: ...with gestures and pompoms?
MARY: (animated) Well, yeah.
RHODA: How humiliating for you.
MARY: Ted, is there something different about you today?
MURRAY: He's high a-top his three-inch wedgies!
TED: They're not wedgies, they're (botching the pronunciation) conquistador boots. You like 'em, Mair?
MARY: Oh, they're...nice.
TED: Say Mair, aren't your heels a little higher than usual?
MURRAY: Yeah, Mair, you've got a lot of nerve wearing your high heels on the same day that Ted's wearing his.
TED: Well, I thought it would help the sportscasting if I looked a little lankier.
MURRAY: Ted, you're really taking this sportscasting thing seriously, aren't you?
TED: Sure, I think the normal comparisons can be made. Jim McKay, Red Barber, Dizzy D...?
MURRAY: Donald Duck?
LOU: Ted, why ya weavin' around like that?
TED: Huh?
MURRAY: Lou, just so you don't think you're shrinking, Ted is wearing his conquistador boots!
LOU: Aaaa hah! I don't like 'em.
TED: Well, I do Lou, and I'm gonna wear them.
LOU: Okay, as long as you don't lose your balance while you're on the air. And I mean physically, too.
LOU: We've got a hole in our organization, Mary! Ya wanna know what his name is? (turns on the TV monitor)
TED: (on air) Flareups in the mid-East...and now news from the world of sports! (crosses over to the sports set) I'm sure you're all wondering what I'm doing here...well, our regular sportscaster Ed Cavenaugh is no longer with us. There comes a time when we all must move on, and for Ed, that time came yesterday. Well, yours truly will now pick up the fallen gauntlet. Hi there, sports fans! It's halftime in the Monday night game of the week. Green Bay Packers - seven, New York Giants - seven. I understand that the game is much closer than the score indicates. We'll be back with more in the world of sports...but now, back to Ted.
RHODA: Mary, isn't that the same outfit you were wearing yesterday?
MARY: Rhoda, this is the same everything I was wearing yesterday.
I've been up all night long listening to these tapes.
RHODA: Jeez, it looks like somebody tapped the phones to the King family. Have you made a decision yet?
MARY: No, but I have narrowed it down to two.
RHODA: Mair, wouldn't it be wonderful if some of these guys looked like their eight-by-ten glossies?
MARY: Ted does!
RHODA: Ted IS an eight-by-ten glossy.
MARY: Rhoda, it's just such a weird feeling to say, 'no, not him' and then realize that you could be changing a man's whole life.
RHODA: Yeah, I feel that way with guys, every time I say 'yes'.
MURRAY: Any calls?
MARY: Yeah, you know that little stunt Ted pulled last night about Ed Cavenaugh? About thirty people called in to see if he really did die.
MARY: Ted, so help me, if you do ANYTHING tonight...
TED: Relax, Mair. Oh, Andy...don't look into camera 3. That's MY camera.
MARY: It's Andy's first show tonight, so just...LAY OFF!
TED: Mary, I think I hear wedding bells!
LOU: Mary, you look a little down. I wanna see you smiling again, so Mary, let me tell you about life. We're born, we live, and we die. And ya wanna know what it all means? Nothing.
MARY: Nothing?
LOU: Look at Winston Churchill. Great man...probably the greatest man of the century. When was the last time you heard anyone mention Winston Churchill?
MARY: Uh, I don't know?
LOU: Cheer up, Mary, cheer up. Because in an infinite universe, on a planet the size of a pin, we are mere specks of dust waiting to be blown away. You see what I'm trying to tell you?
MARY: Thank you, Mister Grant. I feel...(sobbing) so much better!
ANDY: Mary, I thought if you weren't doing anything tonight that we might have dinner.
TED: Uh, wait a minute, excuse me Mary, I'd like to talk to Andrew for a minute.
Now Andy, you should know that Mary makes it a policy not to go out with us on-the-air guys. When she first started working here I asked her out a few times...she turned me down every time. And if she won't go out with me, she certainly won't go out with you.
MARY: Andy, I'd love to.
TED: Be careful, Andy...that's how she fired the last sportscaster.
Credits:
Executive Story Consultant: Treva Silverman
Associate Producer: Michael Zinberg
Director of Photography: Paul Uhl
Music Composed and Conducted by Pat Williams
Theme Song "Love is All Around" Written and Sung by Sonny Curtis
Art Director: Lewis E. Hurst, Jr.
Film Editor: Douglas Hines, A.C.E.
Assistant Director: John C. Chulay
Script Supervisor: Marjorie Mullen
Set Decorator: James Hassinger
Main Title: David Davis
Camera Coordinator: Don Bustany
Gaffer: Sam Ozment
Key Grip: Roy Kight
Sound Mixer: Cameron McCullough
Music Editing: Ed Norton Music, Inc.
Property Master: Gene Cox
Makeup Artist: Ben Nye, II
Hair Stylist: Donna M. Cox
Men's Costumes: Don MacDonald
Women's Costumes: Leslie Hall
Assistants to the Producers: Cheryl Blythe, Karen Ziff
Wardrobe for Mary Tyler Moore Furnished by Norman Todd
Production Executive for MTM Productions: Lionel Ephraim
Trivia: In this episode Dick Gautier guest stars briefly as Ed Cavenaugh, a sleazy sportscaster. Have a look at his website at Dick Gautier.com. Gordon Jump, later of MTM Enterprises' "WKRP" is seen for a few minutes playing one of the sportscaster applicants.
Rating: 66
Humor: 13
Writing: 19
Acting: 19
Story Concept: 15
Category: Top third.
Comment: Check out Ted's fantastic conquistador boots gimmick, which seems to be good for livening up one or two scenes! Classic Lou/Mary talk, wherein he tells her that we live on a planet the size of a pin, and are specks of dust waiting to be blown away. This average episode of MTMS was far better than most shows' best episodes.
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