Episode 5.23
originally broadcast February 22, 1975
Written by Michael Zinberg
Directed by Jay Sandrich
Storyline: While out shopping for new blue blazers, Ted Baxter is recognized by Allan Marsh, a travelling salesman who sets up schools using local celebrities' names. Marsh agrees to create Ted Baxter's Famous Broadcasters School. Ted pays Marsh his fee and even loans him his car...and then Marsh skips town. Meanwhile, opening orientation night for the TBFBS is a few days away and Ted has to come up with the school on his own. Mary, Lou, and Murray agree to help him out for that evening by staging themselves as the school faculty. One small problem: only one student shows up at the orientation class! The lone student is the epitome of a pedantic nerd who's been shoved and stepped on his whole life and insists that they give him the ten weeks of school he paid for...he doesn't want a tuition refund!! Until, that is, he hears the "faculty" give their first lecture!
Memorable Quotations/Exchanges:
LOU: What is is now, Ted?
TED: Aw, Lou. How come every time I come here to say something, you say, 'what is it now, Ted?'...like I'm gonna say something dumb?
LOU: How come every time I see a duck, I expect it to quack?
TED: No, no...you answer my question first.
TED: This guy is setting up a school for broadcasters and he wants to use my name! The Ted Baxter's Famous Broadcasters' School! And it's gonna be right here in Minneapolis! Could spread all over the country.
MURRAY: Unless they find a vaccine for it.
MARSH: Wait a minute, don't tell me...Mary Richards, Lou Grant, Murray Slaughter. I feel like I know all of you! Ted's told me so much about all of you. What you were doing when he discovered you...how he gave you your first break.
TED: Oh, they don't wanna hear about that.
LOU: So, Marsh. Ted tells us that you have a lot of experience setting up these schools. Tell me, what's in it for you?
MARSH: Pleasure. You know what it feels like to watch a kid off the street turn into a disc jockey? It's kind of a mission with me. I travel around, and sort of plant the seed, nurture it, watch it sprout...
LOU: Sounds fine! Whaddya need Ted for?
MURRAY: Fertilizer!
GEORGETTE: Mr. Marsh is such a nice man. He says that one day Ted's name will be a household word...like spatula.
TED: Hi Mary! Hi Georgette! Marsh says the Ted Baxter's Famous Broadcasters School will open next week! Gives ya goosebumps, doesn't it Mary?
MARY: No, Ted, I have a high goosebump threshold.
TED: I guess you don't know what it's like to crawl your way up from the gutter.
MARY: Oh, come on Ted. You didn't crawl your way up from the gutter.
GEORGETTE: He crawled his way up from the middle class. Isn't it wonderful, Mary? Only in America could a man who never graduated from school own one.
TED: Mary, look out there. Do you know what's out there?
MARY: '64 Chevy?
TED: That's my town, Mary! Minneapolis! M-I-N-N-I-NNN...(gives up trying to spell it correctly) ...then one day, I'm gonna use my money to do something good for my country. I'm gonna make a huge contribution to a presidential candidate, and buy myself a political appointment. 'Ted Baxter, United States Ambassador to Hawaii!'
TED: Just think, there will someday be branches of Ted Baxter's Famous Broadcasters' School all over the country. And this is the night when it all started.
MURRAY: Now you know how Colonel Sanders felt when he licked his first finger.
TED: You're gonna be there tonight, aren't you Lou?
LOU: I won't be there either, Ted.
TED: Aw Lou, why not?
LOU: Because the idea of going makes me sick to my stomach.
TED: Well, as long as you've got a good reason.
TED: Seems Marsh didn't pay for the banquet room at the hotel...and he left late last night without paying his room bill. What do you think that means, Lou?
LOU: I think it means that Marsh is a conman who's skipped town with the school's money and left you as the fall guy for the whole scheme.
TED: Whadda you think it means, Murr?
MURRAY: I think Lou's right.
TED: Mary?
MARY: I think Murray's right.
TED: Lou?
LOU: Ted!!!
TED: Well, I just don't think it's logical, I have faith in him.
LOU: How can you have faith in a guy who's skipped town?
TED: I have to, I loaned him my car.
MURRAY: Ted, you should have known better than to trust a man whose business card lists aliases.
MARY: Don't be silly, Ted, they're not gonna put you in jail for something like conspiracy to commit...fraud. I think I'd better talk to Mr. Grant. (Goes into Lou's office) Mr. Grant, Ted really needs help.
LOU: I've known that for ten years.
MURRAY: Lou, a thing like this could cause big trouble!
LOU: I told Ted when he started this whole thing that he was strictly on his own.
MARY: But he's not on his own. Mr. Grant, we are all involved.
LOU: Maybe you're right, Mary. How much will that hall for tonight cost?
TED: Two-hundred dollars.
LOU: You go over there tonight and tell those students what happened.
TED: I don't have two-hundred dollars, Lou.
LOU: You haven't saved two-hundred dollars on your salary?
TED: Oh, you mean in the bank?
LOU: You have to refund everyone's money.
TED: What if three-hundred people signed up, Lou? (working out the math on paper) Three-hundred dollars apiece! That's...that's....that's thirty dollars!
MARY: Thirty THOUSAND dollars, Ted.
TED: Thirty thouuuuusand, Lou!
MURRAY: It's either that or come up with the school, Ted.
MARY: You know something? I think we could do it. We could come up with a school. You, Mr. Grant, Murray, me...
LOU: And if we all pitched in, I'll bet we could write a show! Mary could make the costumes, Murray could write the script, and I'd ask my father to let us build a stage in the barn!
MARY: Alright, that's enough, Mr. Grant!
MURRAY: Just for one night, and then Ted would have time to find someone else to take over.
TED: Pleeeeeeeeeease, Lou. Pleeeeeeeease?
LOU: Okay.
TED: Thanks, Lou. If there's anything I can ever do for you, don't hesitate to let me know.
LOU: Get outa my office.
TED: You got it, Lou. Now we're even.
TED: Hi, guys!
GEORGETTE: Ted finished the school song! He wanted to run off enough so everyone could have their own copy.
TED: (snapping fingers, singing) We have no gym and we have no pool, but we have heart at TedBaxtersFamousBroadcastersSchool!!
LOU: (ripping up his copy) Oh, no way!!! No way! I'm not going through with this.
TED: Oh, Lou, why not?
LOU: Because this whole idea is dumb and stupid and I don't want any part of it.
TED: It's times like this when you find out who your real friends are. Okay, we'll do it without you!!
LOU: That's fine with me!
MARY: Oh, come on, Mr. Grant. There must have been a time in your life when you were young and inexperienced.
LOU: Yeah...
MARY: When someone older and more experienced showed you what to do?
LOU: Yeah...
MARY: ...and how to get started when you needed it?
LOU: Yeah...
MARY: Well, look at this as a way of paying back that.
LOU: Okay, I'll do it for Shirley.
LOU: Ted, there's only one guy in your school.
TED: Ya think the rest of 'em are out sick?
MARY: You wouldn't wanna be the only one in the school! Who would you study with?
GEORGETTE: Who would you take to school dances?
TED: Testing, 123. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to welcome you all to the first semester of the Ted Baxter's Famous Broadcasters' School. I want now, if I may, to introduce the members of the TBFBS faculty. On my far right is Lou Grant, the executive producer of the WJM Six O'Clock News. (Student applauds) Please hold your applause until the end. Next to him is Mary Richards, producer of the WJM Six O'Clock News, and next to her is Murray Slaughter, head writer of that same news show. And of course there's Georgette. She's my chick, so I like to have her around. And last but not least...well, as a matter of fact he is least...what's your name again fella?
TONY: (he stands up) Tony Cramer from New York.
TED: He's Mary's date for the evening. (Student applauds again)Thank you! This will be an ambitious program of intensified study of various aspects of broadcasting. (Student raises his hand) I think I see a hand out there. The gentleman in the plaid jacket, will you please stand up?
STUDENT: What's the passing grade for this course?
TED: The passing grade? Lou, you wanna field that one?
LOU: (grimacing hard) We'll probably go by a class average.
STUDENT: Is that plotted on a normal bell curve?
LOU: Plotted on anything you like.
STUDENT: Okay, I just wanna check these things out.
TED: You'll all have a chance to see and hear and experience communication first hand (as soon as Ted says 'hand', Student raises his hand again). You!
STUDENT: Is this the entire faculty?
TED: Mary?
MARY: No, we are just the...department heads. (to Lou, exasperated) Who IS this person? What are we doing?
TED: During the next ten weeks, you'll all work long and hard. You'll all know you're ready to enter the wonderful world of broadcasting when you finish. At the end, there will be a graduation ceremony and I have high hopes of getting Eric Sevareid to be here personally to congratulate you. Before we continue, let me just mention that at the end of this orientation class, coffee and cake will be served and we can break up into smaller groups.
MARY: (finishing her speech) And so in the weeks ahead, we'll discuss such topics as on-the-spot reporting, liable laws in broadcasting, program logs, and the anchorman in these changing times. Thank you. (more Student applause; Mary is disgusted) No, no, don't do that.
TED: That was Mary Richards, our Dean of Women. So, in conclusion, let me just say this. Tonight, you have taken the first step on that long and exciting journey to being a broadcaster. Work hard, study hard, and remember, you are the Ted Baxters of tomorrow. Ah, one final question.
STUDENT: Can I still get my three hundred dollars back?
Credits:
Story Consultant: Michael Leeson
Associate Producer: Budd Cherry
Director of Photography: William T. Cline, ASC
Assistant Director: John C. Chulay
Film Editor: Douglas Hines, ACE
Music composed and conducted by Pat Williams
Theme music "Love is All Around" written and sung by Sonny Curtis
Art Directors: Lewis E. Hurst, Jr. and Ken Reid
Script Supervisor: Marjorie Mullen
Set Decorator: James Hassinger
Music Editing: Ed Norton Music, Inc.
Main Title: David Davis
Tehcnical Coordinator: Don Bustany
Gaffer: Rod Everson
Key Grip: Roy Kight
Production Mixer: Cameron McCullough
Post-Production Supervisor: Ted Rich
Production Assistant: Karen Ziff
Property Master: Gene Cox
Make-up Artist: Ray Steele
Hair Stylist: Ruby Ford
Men's Costumes: Don MacDonald
Women's Costumes: Leslie Hall
Assistants to the Producers: Margo Husin and Darlene E. Ferrona
Wardrobe for Mary Tyler Moore furnished by Norman Todd
Unit Production Manager: Abby Singer
Production Executive for MTM Enterprises: Lionel A. Ephraim
Audio Files:
Coming soon!
Trivia:
Bernie Kopell, aka Your Ship's Doctor Adam Bricker on The Love Boat, guests as Mary's date, a geek named Tony Cramer (date set up by Mrs. Ida Morgenstern).
Comments: Definitely one of the best, and one of the funniest. This time idiot Ted has latched onto Marsh, a conman whose business card lists aliases, and given him the go-ahead to start a school for broadcasters. Like "Chuckles Bites the Dust", this episode has a hilarious, Emmy-deserving ending sequence wherein one or more people make a fool out of themselves. In this case, it's not only Ted but The Student (played marvelously by the late Leonard Frey) a guy who seems to have been kicked around by literally everyone in the past and now demands that they 'Start the class, or you'll all hear from my lawyer!'
Rating: 93
Humor: 22
Writing: 22
Acting: 24
Story Concept: 25
Category: Top 5%
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