Episode 4.23
originally broadcast February 23, 1974
Written by David Lloyd
Directed by Nancy Walker
Storyline: Ted comes up with the idea of writing his own copy for the six o'clock news. Needless to say, his attempt at doing so is a disaster. Mary is currently taking a writing course and Ted insists upon taking the course as well; he joins the class two weeks late. The night before their assignment is due (a description of an unforgettable experience), Ted and Georgette come over to Mary's apartment and Ted begs her to please write his paper for him. She refuses, but tells him what her story is about. He goes home and writes a plagiarized, parodied version of Mary's highly personal story about her senior prom night. He reads it aloud in class the next night. Mary is FURIOUS and after Ted takes his seat again, she insists on getting four years' worth of stories about Ted off her chest.
Memorable Quotations/Exchanges:
MURRAY: Last night, Ted's ad-libbed editorial was called 'Why Stewardesses Should Wear Shorter Skirts'.
TED: It's a simple matter of safety, Murr. Loose clothing can get caught in machinery.
TED: I wanted to be a journalist once. In my student days, I was always on the paper.
MURRAY: Where was that, Ted? Obedience school?
TED: I covered sports. They used to call me Scoop Baxter. That's a newspaper term, Mary.
MARY: Yeah, Ted, I know.
TED: Well, I took a writing course once, but an anchorman doesn't have time to fritter away on writing.
MURRAY: Cronkite does...
MARY: Yeah, that's right, he writes a lot of his own copy. Imagine, writing and broadcasting your own copy. What a satisfaction that must be!
TED: Yeah, two paychecks!
MURRAY: Most of the big ones write copy, Ted.
TED: Yeah, well, I could write if I wanted to. The only reason I haven't done it before now is that it just never occurred to me. (he exits)
MURRAY: (calling after him) That's what you said about coming in out of the rain!
LOU: Nobody's gonna watch the news?
MURRAY: (getting ready to go home) I wrote it, Lou. I'm not gonna stay around and hear my own copy. The feature story tonight was about a hike in soybean prices.
TED: (on the air) Good evening Mr. and Mrs. Twin Cities! The bulls and the bears were caught with their pants down today as Old Man Soybean did a kamikaze!
LOU: Murray?!!!
MURRAY: Did a kamikaze??!! I didn't write that!
TED: On the international front, the U.N. celebrated an anniversary today and I'd like to take this opportunity to honor them with a tribute in verse.
MURRAY: Lou, I swear I didn't write any tribute in verse!
LOU: Well somebody did!
TED: (continuing) Hail to the dove with the olive branch, and may his flock increase. Cooing the hymn of brotherhood...
MURRAY: (turning off the monitor) ...and laying an egg of peace.
(Lou swings open the door of Lou's dressing room with a big, angry grin)
LOU: Ted?!
TED: Yes, Lou?
LOU: Ted! Hi, Georgette. Ted!
TED: Hi, Lou.
LOU: Ted! Georgette, I'd like to discuss tonight's broadcast with Ted, so could you excuse us? This may get kinda technical.
GEORGETTE: How do you mean?
LOU: Uh...I might be using certain words that you may not be familiar with.
TED: That's okay, Lou, she doesn't mind.
LOU: I mind!!
TED: Well I don't!
LOU: Ted, I really think it would be better if Georgette excused us!
TED: Why? We're all friends here.
LOU: (clutching a nearby chair) No, not at the moment we're not.
GEORGETTE: Ted, I'll go get you a soda.
TED: Well, how did you feel about tonight's show, big fella? It was a piece of broadcasting history!!
LOU: (picks up a pillow off couch and starts to squeeze it hard in anger...eyes a picture of Ted on the wall and uses pillow to cover it up) IT...WAS...A...PIECE...OF...GARBAGE!!! It was a disgrace to everyone who works in news here and around the world!! Where do you get off changing Murray's copy?!!!!
TED: It was flat, Lou! I didn't change it, I just jazzed up some of the language.
LOU: Jazzed up? JAZZED UP? Ted, you do not change the wording of a direct quote! I do not believe that the Queen of England called the French ambassador 'The dude from Frog town!' My anchorman does NOT WRITE COPY! I won't have it!
TED: All the big ones do it, Lou.
LOU: I see I am going to have to make something clear to you that I thought you already understood: You are not a 'big one'. So knock it off! Because if you don't, I'll break your tongue!
GEORGETTE: Ted says he's got the whole story all written in his head, except for the idea.
GEORGETTE: I'm so sorry to intrude, Mary, but when Ted makes up his mind about something, it's like trying to chase a comet by the tail.
(Mary sits down on her hairdryer hose, which resembles a comet tail)
GEORGETTE: Ted feels that writing is something you have to be born with, like a deep voice and gray hair.
(Night time; school building)
TED: (sees an old lady coming into the classroom) Get a load of that! The people who think they can write! Where does old Granny sit?
MARY: Right there, Ted. She's the teacher.
TED: Well, maybe you should introduce me to her, as a courtesy.
MARY: Mrs. Malone, this is Ted Baxter. He's joining the class.
MRS. MALONE: Your face looks sort of familiar to me, Mr. Baxter.
MARY: Ted is in television.
MRS. MALONE: Oh...I am sorry. You see, I don't own a television set. What does an anchorman do, Mr. Baxter?
TED: I broadcast the news.
MRS. MALONE: Oh really? I see. My nephew did that the summer after he graduated. His family wanted him to get a real job but...you know youngsters!
MRS. MALONE: (to the class) So, before I begin, I think I'd better introduce Mr. Baxter who's just joined our class.
TED: Hi, gang!
MRS. MALONE: When this course started, Mr. Baxter, we each stood and told a little about ourselves. Would you be willing to do that now?
TED: Well, I don't like to blow my own horn, so I'll just turn the floor over to one of my dear friends who knows me better than anyone else, Mary Richards.
MARY: Oh gee Ted, don't do this.
TED: (discreetly) Stand up, stand up!
MARY: This is Ted Baxter, news anchorman for WJM-TV. He's been with us for...many years.
TED: Tell them about the Teddy Award.
MARY: He won the Teddy Award...
TED: ...for excellence in broadcasting...
MARY: For excellence in broadcasting, and that's about it.
TED: High school?
MARY: Yes, he went to high school. He worked on the high school paper.
MRS. MALONE: Well, thank you! Last time we were discussing the uses of alliteration, and I thought it would be helpful to consider this passage from Herman Melville.
TED: Hahah! Get a load of that name!
MRS. MALONE: (Reading from "Moby Dick") Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth, whenever it is a dank, drizzly November in my soul......
TED: (bursting out laughing) Drizzly November in my soul....Murray can write better than that!
MARY: Ted, Herman Melville is one of Mrs. Malone's favorite writers.
TED: Oh, well I didn't mean to step on anybody's toes...(turning to the rest of the class) I don't know which one you are, Herman, but no hard feelings okay, buddy?!
MURRAY: Mair, just between you and me, how's Ted doing in class?
MARY: Well, it's hard to tell. He hasn't written anything yet.
MURRAY: How come?
MARY: On Ted's first day, the teacher wrote on the board 'Write what you know.' He looked at that and frowned, and he hasn't stopped frowning.
MURRAY: How long can he keep that up?
MARY: I don't know. Next week we both have to read aloud about a 'vivid description of an unforgettable experience'.
LOU: I took this writing course one time from a hard-nosed old guy. On the first day, he said, 'If you stay with me, you'll do nothing but write, write, write seven days a week. Then you'll rip out everything you've written and rewrite. And rewrite it again. I'll give you constant criticism and little praise, so you'll curse the day you ever saw a typewriter. If that appeals to you, then stick around.'
MARY: Wow. And you know, I'll bet he was a great teacher.
LOU: Could be - I never went back.
MURRAY: Well, I could lend you my autobiography from the Korean War, tentatively titled "Hell in New Jersey". It seems like everyone from the war wrote an autobiography. You wrote one too, Lou. What was it called?
LOU: Oh, it was nothing.
MARY: No, really. What was it called, Mr. Grant?
LOU: "Too Many Foxholes, Not Enough Love".
MARY: Not a bad title! But they turned it down, huh?
LOU: Yeah, they said it had too many foxholes and not enough love.
(Mary tells Ted and Georgette about her story that she wrote for her class assignment)
MARY: When I was seventeen, I had a crush on the class president. He seemed older and really mature and I was so hoping that he would ask me to the graduation dance. But he didn't, and instead I was asked by a shy, immature guy who didn't dance and didn't have a tuxedo.
TED: Boy, you must have been a real loser!
GEORGETTE: Please, Ted! I think it's sad and beautiful. Go on, Mary.
MARY: Well anyway, I accepted Edwin's invitation because I figured then I'd get to go to the dance and maybe Bob would notice me. It was a beautiful spring night and I had on my first strapless formal...
GEORGETTE: I'll bet it was white!
MARY: Of course! And when Edwin picked me up, I could practically hear the music!
GEORGETTE: So can I !
MARY: Well, except we didn't get to go right to the dance. On our way, we saw a dog that had been hit by a car. He wasn't badly hurt, but Edwin insisted that we take him to the vet. So we did...me in my formal gown.
GEORGETTE: Poor Mary. Poor dog! Did he pull through?
MARY: Oh yeah, oh yeah. But we got to the dance really late, and instead of telling Edwin that it was alright, I sulked. He had ruined my evening!
GEORGETTE: (melancholic, ready to cry) He didn't mean to.
MARY: He said he was sorry, but that it didn't really matter to him whether or not people liked him. What really mattered was whether or not he liked himself. Boy, and that's when I knew who the mature one really was.
TED: (puzzled) Who?
(classroom)
TED: (making excuses to teacher) This isn't a very long speech. News stories break in every hour...
MRS. MALONE: Merit isn't measured by word, Mr. Baxter. It's what you have to say, now please read it.
TED: (Stands and reads his story, which is obviously a plagiarized version of the story Mary related the night before). Storm-tossed waves pounded the beach and a blizzard shrieked 'round my ears on the night of my high school graduation dance. (Mary looks curiously at him) Sure, maybe I couldn't afford a tuxedo because I was saving every penny to go to veterinary school. That was no reason for my date, Edwina, to sneer at me when at last I reached her house. (Hearing the name 'Edwina', Mary glares hard at Ted) Just seeing Edwina standing there in the doorway in her first strapless gown, I knew who the mature one really was. Suddenly, a cry filled the air. One of her father's prized stallions had gone into labor. Tossing aside thoughts of the dance, I rushed to it's side. 'Boil water!', I yelled. 'Lots of it!' Through the night, I nelt beside that animal and at dawn I saw my reward: six brand new baby horses. (Mrs. Malone shakes her head in disbelief; Mary continues to glare) "I love you," Edwina murmured. At that moment, I learned the lesson of my life. 'Who cares?', I replied. 'I love myself.' The End. (Ted sits down, and Mary turns to him with a 'How DARE You!' expression.)
MRS. MALONE: (smiling) And now we'll hear from Ms. Richards, please.
MARY: Thank you. I have never been so happy to tell a story in my life! This is a story about someone so...so insensitive. Yes, insensitive, Ted Baxter, that he would use part of a person's life...to get a crummy three minutes of attention! This is somebody so... (she pauses) Look at me, Ted! This is somebody so insensitive and who has reached such a low point that he would steal a story! (stammering) That was one of the most important moments in my life, Ted, and you made it into a...a horse story! Well, you've gone too far!! I have some things on my chest that I have been saving for YEARS!
(The classbell rings and students start to rise)
MARY: (commanding loudly) Nobody move!!!
Credits:
Comments: Expertly directed by Nancy Walker (aka Ida Morgenstern), "Two Wrongs Don't Make a Writer" is probably the funniest episode in the entire series. Naturally, the focus is just how big an idiot Ted Baxter can be, and in this segment he's at his peak of stupidity. The second act, wherein Mary relates her sensitive little story about being seventeen, later plagiarized by Ted and read in front of the entire writing class, is a hallmark in the great comedic annals of television ("I nelt beside that animal and by dawn I had my reward: six brand new baby horses").
Rating: 100
Humor: 25
Writing: 25
Acting: 25
Story Concept: 25
Category: The best of the best
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