Saturday Night Live Skit/Spoof on MTMS
November 17, 1984
LOU: Alright, listen up. This mission is dangerous. Very dangerous. Some of us won't be coming back.
MAN 1: Which one?
LOU: What?
MAN 1: Which one of us won't be coming back?
LOU: I don't know.
MAN 2: Me?
LOU: I don't know!! Now, here's our objective.
MAN 1: That girl from the television show!
LOU: That's right, my old pal Mary Richards from Minneapolis. She's been stuck there for seven years in syndicated reruns. That's why I hired you guys, the best mercenaries in the business. We're gonna go back there and we're gonna get her out!
MAN 3: Is it true what they say about her?
LOU: What?
MAN 3: That she can turn the world on with her smile?
LOU: (smiling) Yeah, yeah she could.
MAN 2: And could she...take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?
LOU: No, of course not, don't be stupid. Now, here's our objective. Her apartment. (military drumroll) Here's the kitchen, here's her couch, here's her cute wooden letter M on the wall. There's gonna be a party there tonight. That's when we strike. I want you to cover the balcony area!
Fade out, then fade in to Mary's second apartment. Present are Mary, Ted, Georgette, Rhoda at the stove cooking, Murray on the couch. Mary hands Ted a drink.
GEORGETTE: Gosh Mary, it's so nice of you to throw this fundraising party for Ted's campaign for the city council, even though your parties are always so awful.
MARY: Georgette, my last party wasn't awfullll!! In fact, I thought it was a really, you know, really very kind of, really...really not awful.
TED: Mary, you wanna hear my new campaign slogan? 'Vote for Ted, get a new car'.
MARY: Ted, you can't say that. What if you win?
TED: Oh yeah!
RHODA: Gee, nice bread, Mair! And potato chips and onion dip! I'll name the pimple after you!
Mary hands Murray a drink.
MURRAY: Mary, how could you give a fundraising dinner for Ted to run for public office?
MARY: Aw, Mur. This is America. Everyone deserves a chance, even Ted.
MURRAY: No, Mary you're wrong. As I remember, Ted's name isn't even in the constitution. It's been completely eliminated.
Lou and the three guys run in and hold everyone up. Ted starts his usual wailing.
LOU: Alright, hold it! Everybody up against the wall. Don't anybody make a move or we're gonna blast your eyes out!
TED: (crying) Oh, no! Oh, no!
LOU: Shut up, Ted!! Hi, Mary.
MARY: Miiiiiister Grant!!! What are you doooooing here?!
LOU: I've come to get you out! The copter's on the roof. Let's go.
MARY: But...get me out? Why?
MAN 1: Lou! Hurry up! The cops will be here any minute.
LOU: Mary, you've been stuck here for seven years in syndicated reruns, doing the same thing over, and over, and over!! You've been promoted to producer, you met Walter Cronkite, you went to the Teddy Awards, you went to Chuckles the Clown's funeral. Not once, but hundreds of times! Two, three, four times a night in some cities! You're in a rut! There's a big wonderful world out there and you've missed it! You've missed MTV, you've missed Pac Man, Ms. Pac Man, you missed "The New Odd Couple" show! All of you would like it out there. Murr, you know what they have now? Hair weaving! Rhoda, your mother's making a fortune out there selling Bounty Paper Towels!
MAN 1: Lou, c'mon, let's get out of here!
MARY: I...can't go with you, Mr. Grant. I like being here! Everyone's nice to me! I have friends who care about me, I never gain weight, I never get old. I like my life in reruns, Mr. Grant. I'm happy. Goodbyyyyye, Mr. Grant.
LOU: I'm not a hugger. (they hug) Alright, let's move it out!!!
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