SEASON 1 QUOTATIONS
From Episode 1.3, "Bess, You Is My Daughter Now" :
TED: (doing newscast) A lady in Philadelphia lost her dog. She went to the pound and found it. When she got home, she realized she had the wrong dog. The lady who couldn't tell one dog from another was...a vegetarian!
MURRAY: VETERINARIAN!!!
TED: You wanna see a good movie, Mary? See "Son of Flubber". You can't go wrong with a Disney movie. You know what my favorite movie is?
MURRAY: "Snow White"?
TED: Right! Can anyone name all seven dwarfs? I know I can. Lou, how 'bout you?
MURRAY: Lou, you wanna grab a hamburger?
LOU: No, I don't eat meat. I'm a veterinarian!
PHYLLIS: Something's come up and I was wondering if you could take care of Bess for a few days.
MARY: What's wrong?
PHYLLIS: Well, it's Lars. He's contracted a case of varicella from one of his patients.
MARY: What's that?
RHODA: (looks the word up in dictionary) Chicken pox! That's what that quack's got, chicken pox!
PHYLLIS: (grabbing the dictionary) I really wouldn't ask if it weren't an emergency, Mary.
RHODA: Plain, old, mundane chicken pox! A kid's disease!!
MARY: Phyllis, are you sure about this? You know, Bess isn't exactly crazy about me.
PHYLLIS: Mary, it's time Bess found out that life is no bed of roses!
BESS: Hi, Phyllis!
PHYLLIS: Get your things, dear! Mother's here to take you home!
BESS: I don't wanna go home.
PHYLLIS: What?
BESS: I don't wanna go home.
MARY: Oh, Phyllis. As soon as you get her home, she'll be just fine.
PHYLLIS: (with caution, as if to a caged animal) Oh, no, no, I wouldn't force her, Mary. We encourage her independence. If this is where she wants to be...this IS where you want to be, is it, Bess? (Bess nods)
MARY: Yeah, but Phyllis!!
PHYLLIS: No, no, Mary, you don't understand. If Bess WANTS this...(she crosses to Bess) This IS what you want, Bess? (Bess nods) Well, it's obviously her wish to stay here. IS IT your wish to stay here, Bess? (Bess nods) Then this is where she'll stay.
MARY: Phyllis, I've got a date tonight. Could you babysit?
TED: Whatever happened to the good old days when they had wars in England?
MURRAY: You'd find a way to mispronounce London.
MARY: Ted, Mr. Grant asked me to remind you, it's Richard *Milhouse* Nixon, not Milhorse.
TED: I don't know why everyone feels so compelled to call cue cards idiot cards.
MURRAY: It's just that we have trouble thinking of you as a cue.
LOU: Mary, where are the idiot cards?
TED: Cue cards, Lou! Cue cards!
LOU: Excuse me, Ted. Mary, could you please give those cue cards to this idiot?
LOU: I don't like to watch my language. I don't like having kids in the newsroom. I'd like to cuss right now, because that kid's out there. But I can't cuss right now, because that kid's out there. Do I make myself clear?
MARY: Yes, I think so. You'd like to cuss, is that it?
LOU: Yes! Very much.
MARY: Then I'll get her outa there.
LOU: Good! I feel a cuss coming on. This is too good to wait. (to phone) Send Ted Baxter in here.
RHODA: Mary, I know you still have this thing to straighten out with Phyllis, but I need forty dollars to pay a fine.
MARY: A traffic fine?
RHODA: No, I fed a buffalo. You know I've always been a sucker for buffalos. You know those signs they have that say 'Don't Feed the Buffalos'? Well, I fed the buffalo. And they really fine you for that, if they catch you.
MARY: What'd you feed it?
RHODA: Lowfat prune yogurt. That buffalo's gonna have some nice figure. Can you spare the forty?
MARY: Yeah, I think so.
MARY: Oh, Phyllis! (Bess returns, and stands in doorway)
PHYLLIS: Bess! She saw me crying! She'll hate me for being so weak!
MARY: Phyllis, you and I have been friends for a long time. Well, not so good as you think. It's just that you come on so darned strong all the time, and I like you so much better when you come on weak! And if I feel this way, imagine how Bess must have felt when she saw you just now. I'm gonna go get her.
PHYLLIS: Should I keep crying?
MARY: Well, it wouldn't hurt!!
MARY: Phyllis, Bess went home.
PHYLLIS: Home?
MARY: Home! I just talked to her. It was just so touching...she looked up at me and she said 'uh huh'.
PHYLLIS: She said 'Uh huh'? I...don't...know...what...that...means, Mary.
MARY: Well, you had to be there. She said 'uh huh' after I said, 'Bess, are you here because you know your mother needs you?'
PHYLLIS: And she said 'uh huh'?
MARY: Uh huh!
PHYLLIS: (handing Mary a jar of soup) Mary, this isn't much, but thank you. You're gonna make a wonderful mother.
MARY: I know.
From Episode 1.4, "Divorce Isn't Everything":
TED: Mary, I need your advice about something. Not that it's any big deal or anything, but do you think it's too risque for an anchorman to say that he sleeps in the raw?
(Mary turns away in disbelief)
KAREN: Your name?
RHODA: Rhoda Morgenstern. Miss Rhoda Morgenstern.
KAREN: Miss Morgenstern?
RHODA: He thought it was in the best interest of the space program if I retained my maiden name.
KAREN: You were married to an astronaut?! Which one?
RHODA: Oh, please, I'd rather not say anymore. Word gets out, and then people start hittin' ya up for moon rocks.
SPARKIE: (bubbly) Hi, my name is Francis Franklin, but everybody calls me Sparkie! I guess that's just because all my friends say I sparkle and bubble all the time! Heh, heh!! It's like ever since I've been divorced, I've become a whole new person! All sparkly! That's why they call me Sparkie! Isn't that crazy?!
RHODA: Yes.
DR. UDALL: Professionally speaking, I'm a gum man myself. Do you, by chance, keep up with gums?
MARY: Well, not anymore than I need to get along.
DR. UDALL: Well, you might've heard lately that teeth themselves are nowhere. I mean, teeth are teeth, God bless 'em, but gums are where it's at.
DR. UDALL: (to Mary) Oh, by the by...your not-yet-paid-for xrays came back today. You have a cavity! And I'm not going to tell you where!
From Episode 1.5, "Keep Your Guard Up":
PHYLLIS: Yoo hoo!!
MARY: (she's helping Rhoda do her hair) Come on in, Phyllis!
PHYLLIS: That's not likely to help, Rhoda...oh, I'm just kidding. In fact, Rhoda, you've never looked better.
RHODA: (sourly) Very funny.
PHYLLIS: Mary, I want to give you a chance to atone for hanging up on me today, and do a service for mankind at the same time.
RHODA: She already did a service for mankind, by hanging up on you.
MARY: This is Frank Carelli, and he's here to talk to me about life insurance plans. Uh, well as long as you're here, let me get you some coffee.
FRANK: Could I have some milk instead?
MARY: Sure.
RHODA: Life insurance, huh? Well, that leaves me out. I still haven't met a beneficiary.
PHYLLIS: Lars, my husband, and I are into cryonetics.
FRANK: What's that?
PHYLLIS: Well, when Lars and I...go...we will be frozen. Then whenever they find a cure for whatever it is that made us...go...we will be defrosted.
FRANK: Hey, I know, I can work out a plan where you wouldn't have to pay the premiums while you're on ice.
MARY: Mr. Grant, is the sportscasters job still open?
LOU: Yeah, but not for long. Everyone in the state wants that job. All you have to do is stand in front of the camera, read the scores, and collect *twenty* grand a year! I'm trying to figure a way to get my wife to take the job.
MARY: Do you think Frank Carelli would be good?
LOU: No.
MARY: Well, what if he came in and really knocked your socks off?
LOU: You know, that's not a bad idea.
MARY: About Frank coming in and auditioning?
LOU: No, about my wife. If I put her in a sports jacket, pull her hair back...
From Episode 1.6, "Support Your Local Mother":
(Mary and Phyllis are working with a new endtable that Mary has...they want to rough it up to make it look more like an antique)
PHYLLIS: You just use this chain and hit it, like this...you know, to give it a more antique look. (picks up the chain and whips it against the table). If you have any hostility, this is a great way to work it out. I haven't had this much fun in years!! Here, you try.
MARY: Well, uh...
PHYLLIS: Go ahead!
MARY: Okay, okay. (She can barely do it without giggling...she slaps it against the table gently and can't get the feel for it)
PHYLLIS: Apparently you have some sort of hangup about this...either get over it or buy genuine antiques. I'll see ya later!
MARY: Who is it?
IDA MORGENSTERN: Nobody.
(opens door)
MARY: Can I help you?
IDA: No, I'm fine, thanks.
MARY: I thought I heard something hit the door.
IDA: It was just my head.
MARY: Your head?
IDA: I was leaning back to rest my head, and I misjudged the distance.
Don't worry about me, though, I'm fine.
MARY: Are you sure?
IDA: Positive.
MARY: Uh...
IDA: I'm sorry you didn't get to marry that fella you were gonna marry. My daughter wrote me all about it, Mary.
MARY: You're...Rhoda's mother?!
MARY: Go ahead, sit down.
IDA: I don't want to inconvenience you.
MARY: You won't inconvenience me if you sit down! People sit down in here all the time. Practically every time someone comes in the door, they sit down.
IDA: Rhoda was right....you have a cute personality. I don't want to keep you from doing what you were doing.
MARY: No, that's okay, I'll do it later.
IDA: I don't want to inconvenience you. Go back to what you were doing.
MARY: Oh, okay. (picks up chain and whips it against table) It's something you do to furniture to make it look more antique.
IDA: Uh...uh huh. Well, it's nice you have a hobby that makes you happy.
PHYLLIS: How can you live with a woman for three days and not know her first name?
MARY: Well, I never thought of her having a first name.
PHYLLIS: Oh Mary, that's SO you. Going around and calling a woman by Mrs...she doesn't want to be called that!
MARY: Well, I don't think I can call her what she wants to be called.
PHYLLIS: Ida?
MARY: Momma.
MARY: Rhoda, could I talk to you out there? I feel...kind of funny in here.
RHODA: I'm sorry, Mair. I've gotta get this display done in a hurry. I think the bride is in trouble.
MARY: Listen, Rhoda, aren't you going to ask me how your mother is?
RHODA: How is she?
MARY: She's going home tonight, to New York! That's how she is!
RHODA: What do you want out of me?
MARY: Rhoda, would it hurt you so much to go down to the bus station and say goodbye to her? And hello?
RHODA: No, it wouldn't.
MARY: Well, then?!
RHODA: But if I go down there, I won't get off with just a goodbye. I see her, and it'll set me back twenty years.
MARY: Well, then don't turn around.
RHODA: (turns around)Hello, 1950.
MARY: Okay, I told her you'd be working late tonight.
RHODA: (crying) My mother. You gotta hand it to her. She's got a back that can break your heart. (Mary beams) C'mon, I always cry at weddings. (Rhoda comes out from behind the window to the sidewalk) Hi.
IDA: (they embrace) Oh, Rhoda. You make me so happy.
RHODA: (tries to pick up suitcase but can't...then Ida picks it up with ease) Whaddya got in here, anyway?
(They exit; Mary beams at them...then sees passersby and realizes it might be more appropriate for her to stand like a mannequin, so she does.)
From Episode 1.8, "The Snow Must Go On":
(reading off of Ted's cue cards)
MURRAY: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I'm Ted Baxter. Welcome to WJM's election night coverage and remember, we'll be on the air until a winner has been declared. Take off glasses, look concerned.
FLOOR MANAGER: You told me to put that stage direction in there!
MURRAY: Take it out.
TED: Oh, come on Murr! Leave it in! That's how I remember my motivation.
MURRAY: I don't mind how you remember your motivation, but it just frosts me when you read it over the air, like last night. 'Mississippi river rises, thousands flee homes, take off glasses, look concerned!'
TED: Well, I can explain that...when I took off my glasses to look concerned, I lost my place on the cue card.
RHODA: Mary, it's really coming down hard out there. You've got just fifteen minutes to get back. You want me to make you a cheese sandwich?
MARY: Oh yeah, great. I don't know what to wear!!
RHODA: Wear what you've got on.
MARY: I already wore that!
RHODA: Boy, I should have your job. You get to dress up to go to work! When you dress dummies in a department store window like I do, the big deal is every Monday morning when your smock is starched.
MARY: You don't know what it's like giving orders to Ted Baxter.
RHODA: Ted Baxter. Boy, is he gorgeous. Most people on TV are so homely. When Ted Baxter takes off his glasses and looks concerned...oh! I could die.
(phone rings)
MARY: Rhoda, could you get that?
RHODA: (in the kitchen now) You get it...it's probably for you. (Mary enters from the closet area wearing a fur coat) Hey, that fur coat is hip! Goes great with the fur shoes.
MARY: (to phone) Hello? Oh, that's terrible! Well, it seems like no matter how many precautions you take, sometimes you just can't avoid these things.
RHODA: Who's having a baby?
MARY: Okay, bye. That was our employment agency. Our extra girl refuses to come to work in the blizzard.
RHODA: What was she supposed to do for you?
MARY: Answer phones...
RHODA: I can answer phones...
MARY: And look good on television.
RHODA: I can answer phones.
MARY: Great, you're on. Uh, Rhoda, how is it possible to make a bad cheese sandwich?
RHODA: You were out of cheese, so I used yogurt.
Last updated:
Sitemaster: Andrew Szym, esq. webmaster@mtmshow.com
© 2001, Benteen Fort Industries