SEASON 4 QUOTATIONS
From Episode 4.2, "Angels In the Snow":
TED: Alright, alright, I'll tell you what I did on my weekend. I got consummated. (close shot of Mary with expression of complete disinterest)
LOU: Did ya take somethin' for it?
RHODA: (to sales clerk) What is the name of this store?
CLERK: Shot Down in Ecuador Junior.
RHODA: Shhhhh! You hear that, Mary? You and I are a part of one of nature's most precious moments! A baby corn is being born into the world! Somewhere out there, an ear of corn is passing out cigars.
MARY: Hello. How are you?
GIRL AT PARTY: Why do you ask that now?
RHODA: I know exactly where I was twelve years ago. I was at a party like this, sitting on a couch like this, drinking wine from a paper cup like this. You've come a long way, baby.
From Episode 4.3, "Rhoda's Sister Gets Married":
MARTIN: Sleep tight, and don't let the bedbugs bite.
IDA: (very serious) That's a joke. We never had a bug in this house.
RHODA: Hey Mare, look at this! Two ticket stubs from "The Robe"! My first date with a Christian!
February 23rd. Today my mother came into my room and told me that a wonderful thing was going to happen to me...once a month.
MARY: Things from back then, they're so funny now, aren't they?
RHODA: Not yet.
MARY: Mrs. Morgenstern, listen to me because I'm going to tell you the truth. Rhoda is delighted that Debbie is getting married. She is delighted. It never even entered her mind to be upset because Rhoda is very happy with her life. So, Mrs. Morgenstern, I am telling you, as Rhoda's best friend, who knows her better than anyone else, she is thrilled that Debbie is getting married, okay?
IDA: (deadpan) Mary....butt out.
IDA: Just guess where we spent our honeymoon! Go ahead Mary, guess!
MARY: Niagara Falls?
IDA: (disgusted) Yeah, right.
RHODA: (to Mary) Meet me in my bedroom, quick!
IDA: (sotto) Mary, I want you to tell me every word she says to you.
DEBBIE: There's something wrong with Ma. She just told me not to act too happy at my wedding.
From Episode 4.4, "The Lou and Edie Story":
LOU: We showed up there around noon. The couple ahead of us was a basketball center and his wife. I know what their problem is...he's two feet taller than she is. That man isn't gonna help them. Anyway, we sit down in the waiting room, and I said, 'Edie?' She says, 'let's wait until we get inside.' So, we go inside, and she pours out 'our' guts to him for an hour. You know what bothers me? Our marriage counselor isn't married. Never has been. (goes over and pours some scotch). He told me to say whatever was on my mind, and I told him that it sort of bothered me that he isn't married. And then he made a little joke. He said, 'you don't have to be a whale to write Moby Dick!' So, that's my life now, Mary. I pay him forty dollars an hour and he tells me he doesn't have to be a whale.
EDIE: Those things on the suitcase broke when I tried to fasten them. Those clicky things.
LOU: Those clicky things have no business breaking!
EDIE: Lou...
LOU: Why don't they have a name for those clicky things in the first place? Why is it necessary for a grown man to have to go around saying words like 'clicky things'?
EDIE: Lou, if you're angry, just tell me. You don't have to keep going on about the suitcase.
LOU: (Picks up a tangerine from cornucopia) Angry? At you? Because you're leaving? I'm not angry at you. It's perfectly understandable! You wanna try your little experiment. Why should that make me angry?
EDIE: But you are angry, Lou.
LOU: Edie, why should I be angry? I'd tell you if I was angry. Why should that make me angry? (squeezes the tangerine)
EDIE: If you're not angry, Lou, why are there orange pits all over your arm?
LOU: Pits. Damn pits. Why do they make things with pits in the first place? They don't serve any purpose! Cherries, watermelons, tangerines, all of them. They can all go to hell. Go to hell, oranges! Half the time, all you're thinking about when you're eating them if you should spit the pit out or if you should store the stupid thing in one part of your mouth while you're eating with the other part! You can't even concentrate on what you're eating half the time! And after you're finished eating the damn thing, you have to worry about where you're gonna put the pit. Like, if you put it in an ashtray, it's disgusting. And ashes get all over it. And it doesn't even look like part of a fruit anymore! It looks like some hairy, gray dead thing. And it's even more disgusting! (Very somber now) How can you leave me, Edie? How can you do it?
EDIE: Lou, it's not you. It's me. I'm forty-five years old, Lou. You only go around once, and I want more.
LOU: You only go around once?! That's a beer commercial, Edie. You're telling me you're leaving me for a beer commercial?
EDIE: Lou...
LOU: Edie, you're walking out that door and I still haven't figured out why.
EDIE: Lou, when I married you I was nineteen years old, and I thought you were the most wonderful man I ever met. I still think so. But I want to learn more about the rest of me. Not just the part that's your wife. I want to know what I'd do with a whole week to myself. I want to know what I'd do when I'm scared and depressed...and I don't have you to make it alright again. I may hate it, and I may screw it up, but I want to have time to get to know Edie MacKenzie Grant.
LOU: You're keeping the Grant?
EDIE: I'm keeping the Grant.
LOU: So you don't have to get new stationery?
EDIE: Right.
LOU: (smiling) It's not supposed to turn out this way. I had it all planned out. See, the way it goes is, you change your mind and you don't leave.
EDIE: I came close, Lou. I came so close.
LOU: I love ya, Edie.
EDIE: I love you, Lou.
LOU: And listen, Edie! If you plan to come marchin' back to me, I'm warning you....I'll take you right back.
From Episode 4.5, "Hi There, Sports Fans!":
MARY: (standing up, worried) I've never fired anyone in my life! I had a cleaning lady once who I couldn't fire, so I moved! Why are we firing him?
LOU: At the last Christmas party, he made a pass at the station manager's wife.
MARY: Oh well, that has to happen a lot. You know?
LOU: Yeah, but this was a completed pass.
RHODA: In my neighborhood, anyone who shot a little canon got up against the wall with their hands up. Do a cheer for me, will ya? I'll leave if you do. Please, just one.
MARY: Yo, yo, ski dottin' wattin'. Yo, yo, ski dottin' wattin'. Beat 'em, beat 'em, wattin' dottin', rah rah rah rah team!
RHODA: Ha ha! That's great! You did that up in front of a crowd?
MARY: (shyly) Yeah!
RHODA: ...with gestures and pompoms?
MARY: (animated) Well, yeah.
RHODA: How humiliating for you.
TED: Say Mair, aren't your heels a little higher than usual?
MURRAY: Yeah, Mair, you've got a lot of nerve wearing your high heels on the same day that Ted's wearing his.
TED: Well, I thought it would help the sportscasting if I looked a little lankier.
MURRAY: Ted, you're really taking this sportscasting thing seriously, aren't you?
TED: Sure, I think the normal comparisons can be made. Jim McKay, Red Barber, Dizzy D...?
MURRAY: Donald Duck?
LOU: Ted, why ya weavin' around like that?
TED: Huh?
MURRAY: Lou, just so you don't think you're shrinking, Ted is wearing his conquistador boots!
LOU: Aaaa hah! I don't like 'em.
TED: Well, I do Lou, and I'm gonna wear them.
LOU: Okay, as long as you don't lose your balance while you're on the air. And I mean physically, too.
LOU: We've got a hole in our organization, Mary! Ya wanna know what his name is? (turns on the TV monitor)
MARY: No, but I have narrowed it down to two.
RHODA: Mair, wouldn't it be wonderful if some of these guys looked like their eight-by-ten glossies?
MARY: Ted does!
RHODA: Ted IS an eight-by-ten glossy.
LOU: Cheer up, Mary, cheer up. Because in an infinite universe, on a planet the size of a pin, we are mere specks of dust waiting to be blown away. You see what I'm trying to tell you?
MARY: Thank you, Mister Grant. I feel...(sobbing) so much better!
From Episode 4.7, "Son of But Seriously, Folks":
TED: In the field of foreign news, try to avoid countries and politicians whose names are impossible to pronounce. Last night some joker gave me a story about Ethiopia (Ted looks over at Murray; Murray looks back) and I had to pronounce that guy's name...that guy who's the king of it or something?
WES: Hyli Scolasi?
TED: Yeah, yeah. Could you try to avoid him? In fact, just avoid anything about Ethiopia. No one cares about it anyway.
TED: Waaaait a second. Are you telling me that three people can eat that much pickle?
CHUCKLES: It's a fantasy, Baxter!
TED: Of course it is, that's why it's not real!
CHUCKLES: You wanna know what's real? Ratings are real. "The Chuckles the Clown Show", seventeen. "The Six O'Clock News", six. That's no fantasy.
TED: Wait a minute, Clown.
CHUCKLES: Who you calling a clown?
TED: (eyeing Chuckles' shoes) Well, if the shoe fits! You think you're so hot? Everyone here knows that Esther Duck has been carrying you for the last five years.
CHUCKLES: You know what she was doing when I found her? Nothing!!
TED: You know what Murray was doing when I found him? He was a wine-o on skid row beggin' for quarters! (Murray throws down his pencil and puts his head in his hands) Everyone knows that you struck out with Princess Potato!
CHUCKLES: (leaving) You go too far, Baxter.
From Episode 4.8, "Lou's First Date" :
MARY: Ted, here are your tickets to the Broadcasters Man of the Year dinner.
TED: Who stole the award from me this year?
MARY: Lucille Harris.
TED: Lucille Harris, man of the year?
MARY: That's right Ted.
TED: That sounds strange.
MURRAY: Yes, it does.
TED: Wonder why his mother called him Lucille? You don't think he's a little...
MARY: Ted, Lucille Harris is a woman.
TED: Oh, good! I'd much rather have a woman be Man of the Year than some guy named Lucille.
TED: Let me handle this, Mary. Lou, let's talk man to man.
MURRAY: I think they're one short.
TED: (puts hand on Lou's shoulder) Lou, there are two kinds of people in this world. There are men and there are women. You with me so far, big fella?
LOU: I'm with ya.
TED: Now, men have certain needs. Basic, animal needs!
Ugly needs! That can only be satisfied by...
LOU: (shot in the dark) Women?
TED: Exactly. These needs are nothing to be ashamed of, Lou. All men have these needs. You have them, I have them...even President Nixon has them. He does! He really does, Lou! Now it isn't natural for these needs to go unsatisfied. (more sotto) It isn't normal! It isn't healthy! So, whaddya say, Lou?
LOU: I say that Nixon should take Mrs. Dudley to that dinner!
TED: I don't think I got through to him, guys.
MARY: (enters from bathroom dressed up Well Rhoda, whaddya think?
RHODA: Mary, what are you doing? It's late, get dressed!
MRS. DUDLEY: That's a lovely corsage.
LOU: I bought it for my.....you.
MRS. DUDLEY: How lovely. Thank you! Would you pin 'em on for me? These old fingers don't always do what I tell 'em to!
LOU: Excuse me, I'm gonna go talk to Mary for a second.
MRS. DUDLEY: You're excused, Lou. (he heads for the kitchen)
MARY: Your drink, Mr. Grant?
LOU: Thank you, Mary. To a long life, Mary.
MARY: Mr. Grant, I am just...so sorry.
LOU: Oh, you have no need to apologize to me, Mary. I mean, all I told you was 'get me a date'. How were you to know that I wanted somebody under ninety?
MARY: Mr. Grant, won't you let me explain? You see, there are two Mrs. Dudleys.
LOU: There are THOUSANDS of Mrs. Dudleys. Why THIS Mrs. Dudley?! I can't take that little old lady to the dinner!
MARY: Georgette, is that a new dress?
GEORGETTE: Pretty new, I bought it this afternoon.
GEORGETTE: Have you and Mr. Grant been going together long?
MRS. DUDLEY: No, this is our first date. We met through Mary. You know, Mr. Baxter, you look very familiar to me!
TED: You've probably seen me on television.
MRS. DUDLEY: No, I don't watch television. I have a fireplace!
GEORGETTE: Mr. Grant, Martha has had such an interesting life. Did you know she was the flower girl at Thomas Alva Edison's wedding?
EDIE: Hi Lou. Hi Murray.
LOU: Nice seein' ya, Edie.
EDIE: Lou Grant, this is Mike Montgomery.
TED: He's a big one, isn't he, Lou?! How tall would you say you are, Mike?
MURRAY: Ted, why don't you and I go stretch our legs.
TED: Okay, but we still won't be as tall as Mike. Boy, that Edie's doin' alright for herself isn't she?
TED: C'mon, Georgette!
GEORGETTE: No, Ted! I don't want to! He wants to dip.
TED: Ya wanna change partners?
LOU: Okay. (Ted takes Lou's arm to dance; Lou repels)
GEORGETTE: He's a little silly tonight!!
From Episode 4.11, "Just Friends" :
MARY: Rhoda, I want to ask you a personal question. I mean, really personal.
RHODA: Oh, that question. Well, the answer to that is, 'when I was twenty.' And no, not at first...but then later....
MARY: No, no, that wasn't my question. Mister Grant wants me to see Mrs. Grant as a go-between.
RHODA: Don't be ridiculous, you'll only get in the middle.
MARY: I'd just like to see them get back together! You know, anything that works, I'd do it.
RHODA: Yeah. Little did they know that when they split up, you'd get custody of Lou!
MARY: If he does come over tonight, will you stay?
RHODA: Sure. He's cute. I love how he lumbers in here wondering about his dinner.
MARY: He comes over here every night at eight and leaves at eleven. I don't even go out anymore because I can't stand the thought of him standing outside that door with no one here...'hello, hello?'
(doorbell rings)
RHODA: (jumping up) Oh boy! Oh boy! Daddy's home! Hooray, hooray!
LOU: Red snapper? That's not a kind of ham, Mary! That's a kind of fish!
MARY: Well, yes, I know.
LOU: (he sits down and she hands him his newspaper) It's a fish. You didn't tell me we were havin' fish, Mary.
RHODA: Don't you like fish, Lou?
LOU: Yeah, yeah.
RHODA: Mary, I hope it's alright if I say this. Mary can...she can take the bones out of the fish before she serves it to you. She can do that, Lou. Can't you do that, Mary?
MARY: I can do that, Mr. Grant.
LOU: What else are we having? Vegetables?
MARY: Uh, corn.
LOU: Corn. Corn's good.
RHODA: What a relief.
LOU: Aaah hah. And Mary, what kind of day did you have?
MARY: Mister Grant, you know what kind of a day I had.
LOU: I know, but maybe Rhoda would like to hear about it.
RHODA: (playing along) Yes, Mary. What did you do today?
LOU: I'll tell you what she did. Her boss, her friend, asked her to do a small little favor, to go see his wife. And she said she wouldn't!
MARY: Mister Grant, we went through all this before. I don't think we need to run through it again now.
RHODA: I don't wanna get into the middle of your fight. One of ya sign my report card, I'm going to my room.
EDIE: It's really nice of you to drop by, especially since you're so much closer to Lou.
MARY: No, no. I like to think that I'm close to both of you. Really, Mrs.....Eeeedie!
EDIE: How's Lou?
MARY: Oh, fine.
EDIE: You know, I miss him. I'd like to invite him over here, but I'm afraid he'd take it the wrong way. Read all sorts of things into it. Maybe you could....no, I don't want to put you in the middle.
MARY: No...put me in the middle! Really! I don't mind. What's so bad about being in the middle?
LOU: (slightly angry) So, this is the crummy place you left me for?
EDIE: Yes, it is!
LOU: Ya got a great view. Greeeeattttt view. Mmm hmm. Over two billion served so far. Wonderful! Wonderful. You can just keep track here all the time! Without ever having to leave your window. When you're a little old lady, you can sit here in your chair and say, 'Sold another one. Sixteen billion and three.'
EDIE: I really think we should think of each other as friends.
LOU: Friends?
EDIE: Friends. I have some theater tickets for next week and I think we should go...but as friends. What do you think?
LOU: What do I think? You want us to think of each other as friends...pals...amigos. Is that correct?
EDIE: Lou, you know what I mean.
LOU: Well, we had three daughters together, 'pal'. We slept in the same bed approximately twenty-six years, 'old buddy'. Now what you're saying is that you want us to be friends?
From Episode 4.13, "Happy Birthday, Lou!" :
LOU: (holding one of the cards) Every year my mother sends me twenty five dollars
and tells me to go pick up something nice with it. I used to go and get myself a suit.
Nowadays I go out and get myself a steak.
SUE ANN: (patting Lou's waist) There you are, Lou! I caught you! Do you wear your sleeves rolled up because you know what wonderful arms you have?
LOU: (embarrassed) No, I just keep 'em up because I don't wanna get any stuff on 'em.
SUE ANN: (to Mary and Rhoda) I don't know about you, but I find shyness in a man irresistable.
(Sue Ann takes a huge string of scotch tape and removes the lint from Lou's sportjacket.)
LOU: (can't stand this) It's nice not to have any lint.
SUE ANN: So, where are you eating lunch?
LOU: (lying) Oh, no place fancy, just a joint I know of, run by an ex-mess sargent. I always go there on Fridays because the special is catfish and chili. Wanna tag along?
SUE ANN:(can't stand either food) Say, I'd love that...but I just remembered, I have to prepare tomorrow's show.
LOU: (relieved) C'mon Rhoda.
RHODA: Okay, but I'm on a diet. Do you think they have catfish and cottage cheese?(they exit)
SUE ANN: Isn't it funny how hypermasculine men feel threatened by very feminine women?
MARY: (with a 'Sue Ann is nuts' look) Uh, gee I hadn't noticed that...
SUE ANN: Well, I have. I threaten a lot of them.
MARY: (changing the subject) Sooo. How are things on the Happy Homemaker set?
SUE ANN: Oh, glorious! We're taping a special. So far today I've poached marrow, rendered lard, and coddled an egg.
MARY: (no interest here) Full life, isn't it, Sue Ann? Listen, I don't wanna keep you from anything...
SUE ANN: What are you gonna give Lou for his birthday?
MARY: (surprised) Uh, Sue Ann, how did you know it was his birthday?
SUE ANN: Ohhh, a little bird told me!
MARY: Did the 'little bird', by chance, have silver hair? (angry) And one foot in his beak?!!
SUE ANN: (has an idea) I think Lou's birthday calls for something...superspecial.
MARY: Well, I don't know how superspecial it's gonna be, but I am gonna give him a surprise party.
SUE ANN: Oh, terrific! You just get him to your place, and I'll do the rest. I promise you, Mary,
I can show you a thousand and one ways to turn any gathering into an affair.
MARY: I'll just...bet you can!
SUE ANN: I'll see you at your place at seven thirty. Right now I have to go stuff a duck.
MARY: I was just gonna suggest you do that.
SUE ANN: What do we plan to do about the tarnish?
RHODA: We figured we'd dim the lights.
SUE ANN: Mary, be sure you put something under that tonight. The alcohol from the burner
ruined my table finish. I solved it with a mixture of mayonnaise and ordinary cigarette ashes.
MARY: THAT makes a good stain remover?
RHODA: But a rotten dip.
SUE ANN: What is the 'theme' of this gathering?
MARY: Well, uh, 'Happy Birthday', I guess.
SUE ANN: Oh, Mary. That's so humdrum. Let's come up with a theme. Our decor should say something.
RHODA: Maybe 'our couch' could propose a toast.
SUE ANN: Last month, one of my viewers asked for help with a grandfather's eightieth birthday.
I suggested a kiddie party!! (Mary rolls eyes)
RHODA: (shocked) A kiddie party!
SUE ANN: Don't you love it?! We flew in the face of time! All the old timers got lollipops and balloons,
played musical chairs, wore bibs at the table...
RHODA: (very sarcastically) Tell me, how did grandpa feel when they put him up on the pony to get his picture taken?
MARY: Ohhhh, it's just Gordy, bringing me some work. (Gordy enters, carrying a large manila envelope)
LOU: What kinda work?
MARY: Just work...
GORDY: From the newsroom.
LOU: I know where you work, I'm your boss! I wanna know what kinda work!!
(opens the envelope and pulls out some party hats)
GORDY: They musta switched envelopes on me!
LOU: Paper hats! We don't use paper hats in the newsroom, Mary. We haven't for years! Paper hats are used at parties! I'm leaving!
RHODA: Lou, I just want you to know that I'm not gonna lay any guilt on you, because that's what
my mother always does to me, and I hate it. But if she were here, my mother would say,
'Lou, do what you want. It doesn't make any difference. But you are ripping out the hearts of
those who love you.'
TED: That makes sense, Lou!
From Episode 4.23, "Two Wrongs Don't Make a Writer" :
TED: I wanted to be a journalist once. In my student days, I was always on the paper.
MURRAY: Where was that, Ted? Obedience school?
TED: Yeah, well, I could write if I wanted to. The only reason I haven't done it before now is that it just never occurred to me. (he exits)
MURRAY: (calling after him) That's what you said about coming in out of the rain!
TED: (on the air) Good evening Mr. and Mrs. Twin Cities! The bulls and the bears were caught with their pants down today as Old Man Soybean did a kamikaze!
LOU: Murray?!!!
MURRAY: Did a kamikaze??!! I didn't write that!
TED: On the international front, the U.N. celebrated an anniversary today and I'd like to take this opportunity to honor them with a tribute in verse.
MURRAY: Lou, I swear I didn't write any tribute in verse!
LOU: Well somebody did!
TED: (continuing) Hail to the dove with the olive branch, and may his flock increase. Cooing the hymn of brotherhood...
MURRAY: (turning off the monitor) ...and laying an egg of peace.
GEORGETTE: Ted says he's got the whole story all written in his head, except for the idea.
GEORGETTE: I'm so sorry to intrude, Mary, but when Ted makes up his mind about something, it's like trying to chase a comet by the tail.
(Mary sits down on her hairdryer hose, which resembles a comet tail)
GEORGETTE: Ted feels that writing is something you have to be born with, like a deep voice and gray hair.
MRS. MALONE: Your face looks sort of familiar to me, Mr. Baxter.
MARY: Ted is in television.
MRS. MALONE: Oh...I am sorry. You see, I don't own a television set. What does an anchorman do, Mr. Baxter?
TED: I broadcast the news.
MRS. MALONE: Oh really? I see. My nephew did that the summer after he graduated. His family wanted him to get a real job but...you know youngsters!
MRS. MALONE: Last time we were discussing the uses of alliteration, and I thought it would be helpful to consider this passage from Herman Melville.
TED: Hahah! Get a load of that name!
MRS. MALONE: (Reading from "Moby Dick") Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth, whenever it is a dank, drizzly November in my soul......
TED: (bursting out laughing) Drizzly November in my soul....Murray can write better than that! MARY: Ted, Herman Melville is one of Mrs. Malone's favorite writers.
TED: Oh, well I didn't mean to step on anybody's toes...(turning to the rest of the class) I don't know which one you are, Herman, but no hard feelings okay, buddy?!
TED: (Reads his story, which is obviously a plagiarized version of the story Mary related the night before). Storm-tossed waves pounded the beach and a blizzard shrieked 'round my ears on the night of my high school graduation dance. (Mary looks curiously at him) Sure, maybe I couldn't afford a tuxedo because I was saving every penny to go to veterinary school. That was no reason for my date, Edwina, to sneer at me when at last I reached her house. (Hearing the name 'Edwina', Mary glares hard at Ted) Just seeing Edwina standing there in the doorway in her first strapless gown, I knew who the mature one really was. Suddenly, a cry filled the air. One of her father's prized stallions had gone into labor. Tossing aside thoughts of the dance, I rushed to it's side. 'Boil water!', I yelled. 'Lots of it!' Through the night, I nelt beside that animal and at dawn I saw my reward: six brand new baby horses. (Mrs. Malone shakes her head in disbelief; Mary continues to glare) "I love you," Edwina murmured. At that moment, I learned the lesson of my life. 'Who cares?', I replied. 'I love myself.' The End. (Ted sits down, and Mary turns to him with a 'How DARE You!' expression.)
MRS. MALONE: (smiling) And now we'll hear from Ms. Richards, please.
MARY: Thank you. I have never been so happy to tell a story in my life! This is a story about someone so...so insensitive. Yes, insensitive, Ted Baxter, that he would use part of a person's life...to get a crummy three minutes of attention! This is somebody so... (she pauses) Look at me, Ted! This is somebody so insensitive and who has reached such a low point that he would steal a story! (stammering) That was one of the most important moments in my life, Ted, and you made it into a...a horse story! Well, you've gone too far! I have some things on my chest that I have been saving for YEARS!
(The classbell rings and students start to rise)
MARY: (commanding loudly) Nobody move!!
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