SEASON 5 QUOTATIONS
From Episode 5.23, "Ted Baxter's Famous Broadcasters School":
LOU: What is is now, Ted?
TED: Aw, Lou. How come every time I come here to say something, you say, 'what is it now, Ted?'...like I'm gonna say something dumb?
LOU: How come every time I see a duck, I expect it to quack?
TED: No, no...you answer my question first.
GEORGETTE: Mr. Marsh is such a nice man. He says that one day Ted's name will be a household word...like spatula.
TED: Hi Mary! Hi Georgette! Marsh says the Ted Baxter's Famous Broadcasters School will open next week! Gives ya goosebumps, doesn't it Mary?
MARY: No, Ted, I have a high goosebump threshold.
TED: I guess you don't know what it's like to crawl your way up from the gutter.
MARY: Oh, come on Ted. You didn't crawl your way up from the gutter.
GEORGETTE: He crawled his way up from the middle class. Isn't it wonderful, Mary? Only in America could a man who never graduated from school own one.
TED: Mary, look out there. Do you know what's out there?
MARY: '64 Chevy?
TED: That's my town, Mary! Minneapolis! M-I-N-N-I-NNN...(gives up trying to spell it correctly) ...then one day, I'm gonna use my money to do something good for my country. I'm gonna make a huge contribution to a presidential candidate, and buy myself a political appointment. 'Ted Baxter, United States Ambassador to Hawaii!'
TED: Just think, there will someday be branches of Ted Baxter's Famous Broadcasters' School all over the country. And this is the night when it all started.
MURRAY: Now you know how Colonel Sanders felt when he licked his first finger.
MURRAY: Ted, you should have known better than to trust a man whose business card lists aliases.
LOU: Maybe you're right, Mary. How much will that hall for tonight cost?
TED: Two-hundred dollars.
LOU: You go over there tonight and tell those students what happened.
TED: I don't have two-hundred dollars, Lou.
LOU: You haven't saved two-hundred dollars on your salary?
TED: Oh, you mean in the bank?
LOU: You have to refund everyone's money.
TED: What if three-hundred people signed up, Lou? Three-hundred dollars apiece! That's...that's....that's thirty dollars!
MARY: Thirty THOUSAND dollars, Ted.
TED: Thirty thouuuuusand, Lou!
TED: Thanks, Lou. If there's anything I can ever do for you, don't hesitate to let me know.
LOU: Get outa my office.
TED: You got it, Lou. Now we're even.
TED: Hi, guys!
GEORGETTE: Ted finished the school song! He wanted to run off enough so everyone could have their own copy.
TED: (singing) We have no gym and we have no pool, but we have heart at TedBaxtersFamousBroadcastersSchool!!
MARY: Oh, come on, Mr. Grant. There must have been a time in your life when you were young and inexperienced.
LOU: Yeah...
MARY: When someone older and more experienced showed you what to do?
LOU: Yeah...
MARY: ...and how to get started when you needed it?
LOU: Yeah...
MARY: Well, look at this as a way of paying back that.
LOU: Okay, I'll do it for Shirley.
LONE STUDENT: What's the passing grade for this course?
TED: The passing grade? Lou, you wanna field that one?
LOU: (grimacing hard) We'll probably go by a class average.
LONE STUDENT: Is that plotted on a normal bell curve?
LOU: Plotted on anything you like.
LONE STUDENT: Okay, I just wanna check these things out.
MARY: You wouldn't want to be the only student in the whole school, would you? Who would you study with?!
GEORGETTE: Who would you take to school dances?
TED: (to the 'class of one') During the next ten weeks, you'll all work long and hard. You'll all know you're ready to enter the wonderful world of broadcasting when you finish. At the end, there will be a graduation ceremony and I have high hopes of getting Eric Sevareid to be here personally to congratulate you. Before we continue, let me just mention that at the end of this orientation class, coffee and cake will be served and we can break up into smaller groups.
MARY: And so, in the weeks ahead we'll discuss such topics as on-the-spot reporting and liability laws in broadcasting. Thank you.
LONE STUDENT: (applauds)
MARY: (disgusted) No, no, don't do that.
TED: That was Mary Richards, our Dean of Women. And so, tonight, you have taken the first step to being a broadcaster. Work hard, study hard, and in the end, you will be the Ted Baxters of tomorrow. (sees hand raised) Ah, one final question.
LONE STUDENT: Can I still get my three-hundred dollars back?
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