The "Best" Quotations
MARY: (her final speech from "The Last Show") - I just wanted you to know that sometimes I get concerned about being a career woman. I get to thinking my job is too important to me, and I tell myself that the people I work with are just the people I work with. And not my family. And last night, I thought, 'what is a family, anyway?' They're just people who make you feel less alone...and really loved. And that's what you've done for me. Thank you for being my family. (A shower of tears ensues, and she embraces Lou.)
SUE ANN: Now, in addition to doing the calisthenics spot, Gloria will ALSO be giving a little baking demonstration on my show.
MARY: So Gloria has, in a sense, become his protege?
SUE ANN: Protege...I do like that word. PRO-TE-GE...from the French...meaning 'Your place or mine?'
MARY: Oh, c'mon Sue Ann, why does that have to follow? Why do you have to assume they're doing what...you think they're doing. Assuming they are... okay, let's say they are. What difference does that make? I mean, the station manager is not going to give her a job solely based on something like that, right?
SUE ANN: (grinning widely) How do you think I got it?!
LOU: I asked the marriage counselor how he was qualified to counsel Edie and me when he wasn't even married. He replied, 'You don't have to be a...a whale to write Moby Dick.'
TED: Let's see...thirty students at three hundred dollars apiece...that's, that's....that's thirty dollars!
LOU: Do you have thirty thousand dollars, Ted?
TED: Oh, you mean in the bank?
MARY: That doctor said that those fattening foods are loaded with little cholesterol balls that can eventually block the arteries and stop the flow of blood. He said that kind of cooking could kill a person!
MURRAY: Here Ted, take a pastry!
LOU: Mary says I should lose weight.
SUE ANN: Nonsense, Lou. Your body is perfect, I wouldn't touch it. If I did, I wouldn't stop!
LOU: Tell me Mary, do you think a single raw carrot would put any more ugly fat on me?
MARY: (very sarcastically) Not if you stuck it in your nose.
SUE ANN: Mary, believe me, I'm proud that you haven't been disheartened by those who murmur that you've sacrificed your femininity to your ambition.
MARY: Uh, gee, Sue Ann, I haven't heard anyone murmur that!
SUE ANN: Then I'm the first!!!
LOU: Sue Ann, how come your talk always sounds like food?
SUE ANN: Oh, fudge.
(Power outage at Mary's apartment)
LOU: Sue Ann, get your hand off me!
SUE ANN: I didn't touch you!
TED: Sorry, Lou.
MARY: I'm...hardly innocent. I've been around. Well, maybe not "around", but I've been nearby.
SUE ANN: Dear Lou. Dear, cryptic, bashful, dirty-minded Lou!
TED: Waaaaaaaake up! Eat your breakfast! Driiiiiive to work! Say hello to your friends! Work at your job! Eat lunch! Work some more! Say goodbye to your friends! Drive home! Eat dinner! Sit down, read a magazine, and gooooo to sleeeeeeeeeep!
SUE ANN: Why buy day-old bread, when he can have a cupcake, piping hot from the oven?
MURRAY: Yeah, but how many times has it been re-heated??
RHODA: (on Sue Ann) I love her dimples. I wonder if she made 'em herself.
RHODA: G'morning! Everybody got their birds and bees sweatshirts on today?!!
PHYLLIS: Lars said to me, 'Darling, don't you think it would be good if you cut down on your spending a little?' and I said to him, 'Darling, why don't you go suck an egg.'
PHYLLIS: I think Lars summed it up best when he turned to me one night and said, "Phyyyyyllis, yaak hartuuuta." I guess that's all over now. Did you know that the male bee is the slave of the queen? And after the male bee has, uh, how should I say...serviced the queen...the male dies. All in all, not a bad system.
GEORGETTE: You two belong together...You two, Mary and Rhoda, are a lot like Pittsburgh.
MARY: Georgette, is that a new dress?
GEORGETTE: Pretty new, I bought it this afternoon.
REVEREND: Chuckles the clown brought pleasure to millions. The characters he created will be remembered by children and adults alike....There was always some deeper meaning to whatever Chuckles did. Remember Mr. Fee Fi Fo's little catch phrase? Remember how when his arch rival, Senior Caboom, hit him with a giant cucumber and knocked him down? Mr. Fee Fi Fo would always pick himself up...dust himself off, and say, 'I hurt my foo foo'. (She laughs aloud now; her coworkers all glare very hard.) Life's a lot like that...from time to time we all fall down and hurt our foo foos. If only we could deal with it as simply and bravely and honestly as Mr. Fee Fi Fo. And what did Chuckles ask for in return? Not much. (Mary is trying earnestly to pay attention to the reverend's speech, but she can't contain herself and starts quietly tittering) In his own words, "a little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants."
SUE ANN: (with Mary in Chicago hotel room)Mary, your behavior is verging on rudeness.
MARY: Rudeness?! This is MY room!
SUE ANN: And we're your guests! We must gather our rosebuds while they last! You can take a hot bath and relax when you're DEAD!
SUE ANN: Always store your shoes upright. Remember - soles toward heaven.
SUE ANN: I brought this dish along, just in case. I may do a dab of cooking.
MARY: I may do a dab of drinking!
TED: (just off the phone with Georgette's Ob Gyn) It's alright, the doctor said this could drag on for days.
SUE ANN: Evidently he's been to Mary's parties.
(Mary dons a hideous but revealing dress)
TED: Mary, on those occasions when I dream of you, you're dressed exactly like that!
MARY: Ted, please don't look at me that way.
TED: (scrunching up his honorary doctoral degree) It's alright, I'm a doctor.
PHYLLIS: You don't know what loneliness is...until you get into bed with Lars.
PHYLLIS: Well, Mike, I just hope you'll be as happy in your marriage...as Lars is in mine.
PHYLLIS: (concluding her soliloquy) I told my father I was meeting this boy at his house...isn't that ridiculous? And that night, I put on my green organdy formal evening gown and the purple orchid corsage that I sent to myself, and I went out alone to the movies. I sat through three showings of "Lassie Comes Home" with Roddy McDowall, until it was time to go back to my house, where I cried myself to sleep. Well!!! Sure was fun talking about it! I feel like a million! I'll see ya later, I gotta go wash my hair!
TED: How come Dr. Kellogg talks so funny?
MARY: Ted, she's English.
TED: English? Well, I think when those people are here, they should make an effort to sound normal.
MARY: Okay, I'll tell her, Ted.
TED: (on the air) In order for the bill to be passed, it has to be ratified by two-thirds of the forty-eight states.... (looks off camera, sees a crewman holding up two fingers) Oh, two more, huh? Correction, that's four-thirds!
TED: I came up with a new idea for my nightly segment...it's called "A Piece of My Mind".
MURRAY: Well, if they can split an atom....
TED: Well, the reason I never wrote my own copy is because it just never occurred to me.
MURRAY: That's what you said about coming in out of the rain!
MARY: Ted, Mr. Grant asked me to remind you that it's Richard MILHOUSE Nixon, not Milhorse.
TED: I don't know why everyone feels so compelled to call cue cards "idiot cards."
MURRAY: It's just that we have trouble thinking of YOU as a cue!
MARY: Well Ted, if you don't feel comfortable with those jokes, then just don't make them.
TED: I have to make those jokes! I need a loose crew, Mary!
MURRAY: Ted, if you don't have a loose screw, nobody does.
TED: Guess what I did on my weekend. I'll give ya a hint...it was SINsational.
MURRAY: Ted, we don't wanna hear about it!
TED: All right, all right, all right, I'll tell ya! I got consummated.
LOU: Did you take somethin' for it?
(Sue Ann arrives at Mary's door around 2 am)
SUE ANN: Hello dear, I hope I'm not disturbing you.
MARY: I was in bed.
SUE ANN: Oh good, then you're alone.
SUE ANN: Aaaaah, funny Murray. Witty Murray. SHINY Murray.
SUE ANN: I've got a little sister, too! And MINE's Black!
CELESTINE: She's very quick, isn't she?
SUE ANN: I know, let's play a game. It's called 'I Confess'.
MARY: Sue Ann!!
SUE ANN: Who'd like to go first? Celestine.
CELESTINE: Okay, I lied to you.
SUE ANN: What was the lie?
CELESTINE: I lied to you when I said that your show was the hippest thing since "Soul Train".
SUE ANN: Well, that's alright dear, we all boogie to a different drummer.
SUE ANN: Naive, out-of-it Mary! 'Bad' is a hip way of saying good! If I like your outfit, I'd say, 'those threads is bad!'
MARY: (relishing this opportunity) Oh really? Sue Ann, your show is REALLY BAD.
SUE ANN: Thank you, dear! That's sweet of you to say.
SUE ANN: C'mon, Lou! Press your advantage!
SUE ANN: A great meal is the prelude to the symphony of love!
MARY: Oh, sure I'd like to meet Robert Redford, if the situation ever aroused....uh, arose.
SUE ANN: ...that's why I'm not going to say one word about that cruddy wallpaper in the men's room.
MARY: Did you crash the men's room?
SUE ANN: Oh no! I went as somebody's guest!
CHUCKLES THE CLOWN: Look, it's a fantasy, Baxter!
TED: Of course it is, that's why it's not real.
MURRAY: It was from the Fred Astaire picture "Carefree", I think.
TED: Isn't that the one where he danced?
TED: Back in my school days, I was always on the paper.
MURRAY: Where was that, Ted? Obedience school?
TED: I went to Hawaii once...it was great.
MURRAY: Where did you stay, Ted?
TED: Oh, at the...Wai.
MURRAY: Was that 'Wai' as in Waikikii or 'Y' as in 'YMCA'?
IDA MORGENSTERN: It's over, Rhoda. I've left your father.
RHODA: What happened?
IDA: We had a big fight.
RHODA: Does Pop know about it?
PHYLLIS: Our stocks were all bought on borders.
BESS: Margins!
PHYLLIS: Margins.
BESS: Our Disney stock went down six points!
PHYLLIS: Well, what'd they expect, the dummies! Using Sir Laurence Olivier to do those commercials! They coulda saved a fortune and gotten Durward Kirby!
LOU: (proposing a toast) To Men's Lib! Let's hang on to what little we got.
SUE ANN: Poor Lou. I wish I could take him into my arms and just...hug him all over.
MURRAY: Well, that takes care of your problem, Sue Ann, but what about his??
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